Prologue
The days had fallen into a pleasant routine as Monica slowly got her strength back and Paul and Alex enjoyed their unplanned vacation. Strange as it was, neither couple felt crowded, and in fact they were grateful for the company. They were being treated to one last dose of an Indian summer, and the weather was crisp, but not cold, and Paul walked down the sidewalk to the car slowly, pausing to look inside the shop windows. He knew his wife, and he knew that the few minutes she had asked for were likely to turn into half an hour.
He smiled to himself as he thought about how she had ushered him out of the house. She seemed to have forgotten that he was the one who had reminded the two angels about Monica's doctor's appointment. Alex wasn't the only one who could put two and two together. He hoped that giving them the afternoon together would be enough to hold them until nighttime. He had a new barbeque sauce he was dying to try out for dinner. Most likely they would be leaving soon, now that Monica was almost fully healed. It was a routine that he and Alex were becoming accustomed to. None of them really enjoyed saying goodbye, but they seemed to run into each other with such regularity that it was becoming less painful each time. It definitely felt more like 'see you later' than 'goodbye'.
Looking up he realized that he had reached the car without even noticing. He checked his watch. Twenty minutes. With any luck Alex would be in the check-out line by the time he swung around the block to pick her up. He had the windows rolled down, and breathed in the fresh air as he drove slowly down the street. There were a lot of people in town for the foliage, and many of them seemed oblivious to the notion of cross-walks.
Surprisingly, Alex was waiting outside the store when he arrived and Paul leaned over to let her in.
"Hope you haven't been waiting long," he said as she buckled her seatbelt.
"No, not long," she replied, trying to think of when the best time to tell him would be. Before dinner or after? She was almost afraid that Monica and Andrew would be called away sooner than she expected, and she wanted to share the news with them as well. That decided it. Before dinner. She would manage to corner him in their room. With the way he had been acting lately, that shouldn't take much effort.
The drive home was spent in relative silence, and when they arrived they found a note from the angels, telling them that they had decided to take a ride down to the meadow. Alex's mind immediately began turning in a slightly naughty direction. It would be their first visit to the meadow since their wedding. She smiled slyly, thinking of what had happened the first time she and Paul had revisited the spot on the farm where he had proposed. Then she mentally slapped herself. She was sure that God would not approve of her thinking such lascivious thoughts about two of his angels!
"I'm going to slip into a short-sleeved shirt," she said as they put the last of the groceries down in the kitchen. "It's gotten pretty warm."
"Okay, I'll take care of things in here," Paul said, not even noticing that she took one of the bags with her.
She quickly shut the bedroom door and ran to the closet, hastily pulling out the box that held all their wrapping supplies. Birthday, Christmas, wedding… damn… nothing neutral. She settled on a Christmas paper that was mostly white with narrow red stripes. A few minutes later and she had wrapped the yellow sleeper and placed it on her husband's pillow. She gathered up everything else and shoved it back into the closet, decidedly less neatly than she had found it.
"Pa-aul, d'you think you could come in here for a minute?" she called out, using a tone of voice that she knew would bring him running.
She wasn't mistaken. Within a minute he was opening the bedroom door. "Alex?" he actually looked a little surprised. That voice usually meant she was naked and sprawled on the bed.
"I just had a little something to give you," she said, as she reached over to pick up the gift.
His look turned from surprise to terror as he mentally went through the calendar of their important days. First date? No. Engagement? Nope. Wedding? Definitely not. Her little giggle and the smile on her face wiped away his worry and he took the package into his hands. Alex was known for springing little gifts on him, she just didn't usually go to the trouble to wrap them. Obviously she had been feeling particularly inspired.
"Now what brought this on?" he asked as he slid his finger under the tape and popped it loose.
"Oh, it just called to me," she replied.
He sat down on the bed beside her as he finished unwrapping, and then stared at the little yellow object as if unsure exactly what it was. He picked it up and shook it open, and then read the words that were stitched into the front. "What the heck?" His eyebrows were knitted together and he still looked confused, but slowly comprehension sank in. "Alex?" He turned to face her, his expression turning to wonderment.
She looked back at him with her eyes shining, and a special glow that he had never noticed before. She was nodding her head and he was shocked to find tears springing to his eyes. His arms were around her a moment later and he was pulling her into his lap, hugging her as tightly as he could.
"Are you sure? How do you know? How long? How did this happen?"
Alex started laughing at his last question, and the tears that were in her eyes broke free as she grinned at him. "I think you know exactly how," she answered, "and yes, I'm sure. I went to the doctor and he confirmed it. I'm seven weeks pregnant, Paul. We're going to have a baby."
"A baby." He repeated the words almost reverently and then pulled her close again, releasing her an instant later. "Oh my God… am I holding you too tight? Are you all right?"
She laughed again at his horrified expression. She couldn't imagine loving him more than she did at that moment. Her long fingers brushed the side of his face as she gazed into his eyes.
"I'm perfect, and you could never hold me too tight."
He relaxed then and pulled her close once more, before kissing her tenderly and when he pulled away, Alex could still see the expression of awe on his face, "Baby Gatlin," He said softly, laying a hand against her stomach.
"You’re pleased then, I take it?" She teased gently.
"Pleased? Baby, ‘pleased’ doesn’t even begin to describe it! I’m thrilled…ecstatic…more than happy…" He tilted her chin to meet her eyes as he whispered, "And so hopelessly in love with you."
Tears sprang to her eyes once more as her breath caught, "Paul…"
"It’s the truth, sweetheart. I love you so incredibly much and each day I don’t think I can possibly love you anymore, I find out that I can. Like today," His heart had never felt so full and when he kissed her once more, it was with much more passion. By the time they had resurfaced, they were both breathless, but a moment later, he was looking concerned once more, "Is this okay? Is making love to you okay? Because if not, I can swear it off for eight months-."
"Don’t you dare," She uttered, wrapping her arms around his neck as she pulled him down over her on the bed, "It is perfectly okay…and after that kiss, downright necessary!"
"You’re sure? I don’t want to hurt the baby…I mean, there is no chance that I could…you know…"
Alex giggled, finding him endearing, but she couldn’t resist her reply, "Well, honey, not that you aren’t well endowed, but lets not get cocky about it. You’re in no danger of poking him or her."
Paul’s face turned crimson at her words, even as he laughed with her. Her blue eyes were shining, her expression radiant, and a moment later, he was kissing her once more. A happy sigh escaped her, as their tongues intertwined, probing and exploring gently as he lingered above her. Her fingers had already found the buttons on his shirt as they kissed and soon her hands were running over his strong chest.
Just the feeling of her hands on him nearly drove him wild with his desire for her as he cupped her breast over the blouse she was wearing, loving the low moan that escaped her. It only took him seconds to remove the boundaries between his mouth and her nipples and he was soon sucking one gently, even while his hand kneaded the soft flesh of the other. Feeling her arch towards his questing mouth, his fingers moved down beneath her skirt, seeking her core and he stroked her gently, barely touching the delicate little nub. Her murmurs and cries were beginning to increase in volume and he could feel himself growing harder, his erection painful against his jeans.
Alex seemed to sense his dilemma as she reached down and unbuttoned them, taking the time to free him before grasping him tightly in her hand, working him slowly but purposefully. A groan escaped him though it was muffled against her breast. Raising his head, he moved to kiss her hard once more, whispering, "Good Lord, woman, you make me crazy."
She was barely able to reply as he pressed two fingers into her, "Feelings mutual," She gasped, feeling a slight shudder go through her body and she knew she would be unable to hold back much longer. Paul sensed this as well, and he wasted no time in pressing into her fully, feeling her warmth encase him as he stroked her slowly, taking his time in order to hold her gaze. Though there were a million things he wanted to say, he had a feeling none of them were necessary as he could see his own feelings mirrored in her eyes.
Her breath caught once more as her heart filled with such incredible love for this man, her husband, who was making such tender love to her. Often times, they were quick to get down to the nitty gritty, but this time was different. He was looking at her with such love and affection and she pulled him down for another kiss, before she began to move her hips a bit more quickly against him, urging him on. Paul quickly matched her pace, thrusting into her with long, powerful strokes as Alex wrapped her arms around his neck. As she constricted against him, she released her cry into his shoulder, the sound causing him to immediately follow her lead as he was completed with a groan.
Slipping from her, he pulled her into his arms and laid tender kisses against her face as he stroked her hair, "Yeah, good thing really. Not sure I could go without that for eight months."
Seeing his boyish grin, she laughed softly, "No, me neither." They fell silent for a few minutes, but perfectly content in each other’s arms. It was Alex who finally broke it, "What would you prefer? A boy or a girl?"
"Are you taking orders?" He teased, kissing the tip of her nose as she giggled, "Alex, all I want is a healthy little baby, who looks just like its beautiful mama. I couldn’t ask for more."
Her eyes shone with tears as she smiled and kissed him tenderly, "I dunno, a little boy who is as good lookin’ as his dad wouldn’t be all that bad either." She sighed happily as she nestled closer to him, "Can we tell the angels at dinner?"
"Of course we can, especially since we don’t know how much longer they’ll be staying. Hell, I’d say I miss them when they go, but half the time I don’t even know they’re here."
"I’m glad they get this time together…to just be together. It doesn’t even feel right to me to know that they are apart."
"No, me neither. I prefer knowing Andrew is around to look after her, though she doesn’t always need it. She’s been through a lot…"
"But you can’t tell that by looking at her now," Alex smiled softly, so completely happy for their angelic friends, "She’s been perfectly content the last few weeks."
Hearing the back door open, Paul sighed a bit regretfully, "I’d be content to stay here with you all night, but there are steaks to be grilled and news to tell."
She grinned as she got up, retrieving her clothes from the various places they had been thrown, "And I can’t wait to tell them!"
*****
Alex had planned to wait until after dinner, but she was too excited to keep the news bottled in for that long. Paul had to chuckle when, between salad and entrée she blurted out, "Guess what? We’re gonna have a baby!" Andrew’s fork clattered to his plate and Monica started clapping as an enormous smile spread across her face. Naturally the remainder of the meal was spent talking about the baby-to-be, from finalizing nursery details to discussing name possibilities.
Monica was ready with suggestions, but after she went from Melchior to Nebucadnezer Alex had to gently break the news that those might not be the easiest names for a child to grow up with. Luckily that didn’t even dim the little angel’s enthusiasm as she piped up with Mary, Joseph and little Paul Junior. The suggestion of the latter was enough to make Paul puff his chest out and glow with pride. He was ready to hand out cigars and the baby was only slightly larger than the size of a kidney bean.
"This suspension is looking better and better," Paul joked. "Plenty of time to get the nursery ready now!"
"I wouldn’t bet on it, Paul. The last time Walt called I thought he was talking about you coming back." Alex said.
"Yeah, well he can damn well wait now," the agent replied with a grin.
"I just can’t believe there’s a wee little baby inside there," Monica said as she glanced down at Alex’s perfectly flat stomach.
Covering it with her hand, Alex smiled. "I know. I have to keep telling myself it’s true." She looked happily at her friends and then turned and kissed Paul on the cheek. "I used to think I had it all, and now I know it’s true."
Monica was smiling and she reached for Andrew’s hand under the table. Alex wasn’t the only one who had it all.
Chapter 1
Three months later - January
Snow covered the mall once again, but after nearly two months of snow it was no longer a novelty. Local people walked by and through it, hardly noticing the way it clung to the heavy laden pine branches or drifted up against the back of the Vietnam Memorial. Children on a field trip from Virginia were much more impressed. The snow to the south of Maryland had been brief and transitory, hardly there long enough at a stretch to ensure a snowball battle.
Their chaperones tried to keep them focused on the great works or architecture but of course at the age of eight they were much more interested in pelting each other with snow and lying down to make snow angels. Then there were some who were simply so entranced with everything that they seemed to lose track of where they were supposed to be.
Clarissa Patterson was one of those. She watched a bright red cardinal flit down into a nearby bush and then quickly fly to one of the higher spruce trees. His red feathers were a signal flag to her, luring her away from the group. The voices of her classmates grew fainter as she ran down a short path following the flight of the bird, and nearly ran into someone coming from the other direction.
Watching from a distance, she saw the group of school children getting slightly out of hand. She smiled at them laughing and playing in the snow, but when one little girl started breaking away from the group she felt her heart speed up. She almost broke into a run when she saw the girl heading down one of the paths to the Lincoln Memorial, and she followed the small footprints down and around a clump of trees. A flash of blue and she saw the girl ahead of her, and someone else kneeling beside her.
"Hey! What do you think you’re doing? Get away from her, right now! Federal Agent!" She had her badge out of her pocket in the time it took her to say the words.
Clarissa turned around, her eyes wide with surprise. "We weren’t doing anything wrong," she said, alarmed. "Monica was just showing me where the cardinal lives."
As the angel stood up from behind Clarissa, Alex felt all her muscles instantly relax and she lowered her hand and smiled. "Monica? What are you doing here?" She was incredibly happy and also relieved.
"Well, right now I was just talking to wee Clarissa here, and then I was going to take her back to her class." She looked down at the little girl. "I’m sure they’re looking for you by now, and you really shouldn’t wander off. It isn’t safe to be alone, especially in a place you don’t know."
Clarissa looked around as if suddenly realizing that she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. "I didn’t mean to wander," she said plaintively. "I was just following the bird."
"I know, but why don’t we just get you back now. Okay?"
The girl nodded and with Monica and Alex on either side the three of them retraced the girl’s steps back to her little group. The chaperones were beside themselves with gratitude when they saw her being led back to them, and a few stern words ensured that it wouldn’t be happening again. Monica gave one more little wave to the smiling girl, and then turned to fall in step with Alex as they headed towards the reflecting pool and the rebuilt FBI headquarters.
"You can’t believe how glad I am that you were the one with that little girl," Alex said, breathing another sigh of relief as they walked.
"You did seem awfully upset when you found us," Monica commented. "What were you expecting to find?"
"You don’t want to know," Alex replied with a shake of her head and a tightening of her jaw.
Monica didn’t say a word, but continued to look at her friend, waiting for an explanation.
"We’ve had a rash of kidnappings around the area," Alex finally answered. "So far all of the girls have been returned, but with every case it looks like whoever it is is escalating."
"Escalating?" Monica didn’t quite understand.
"The first girl was taken and she said the guy took pictures of her and fed her and she went to sleep and woke up in the park. Well, every girl since then has been molested. Not raped, and no actual physical injuries, but each one is just a little worse." She had watched Monica blanch as she explained things to her, and she hated seeing the haunted look in the angel’s eyes.
"You think he will hurt the next girl more?"
"That’s what we’re afraid of. It’s made me hyper-aware of every possibly dangerous situation. So I’m sorry I kinda came at you back there," she finished with a quirky grin.
"No… no, I understand."
"So," Alex tried to kick-start the conversation when Monica said nothing else for the next minute of their walk. "You never answered my earlier question. What are you doing here? On assignment?"
"No… not yet. But Andrew is."
"And you just get to come along for the ride?"
Monica nodded her head and smiled, though her dark eyes were still troubled and Alex wished she had never mentioned the children being molested. It was hitting too close to home for the angel, despite how far Monica had come.
"I’m glad. I never like knowing you two are apart. It just doesn’t seem right. Do you know what his assignment is?"
"No, he didn’t say much about it. He may not have known himself," She was now wondering if her husband’s case had anything to do with the rash of kidnappings and if he indeed did know and was choosing not to tell her.
"Where are you staying?" Alex was trying to draw the angel out more in order to bring her completely back to the present.
"We just got here a little while ago and he was called away, so I don’t know yet or how long we’ll be here," Monica explained, pushing her dark thoughts aside, "How have you been feeling?"
Alex smiled, relieved to hear her asking questions again, "Other than a bit of morning sickness, very good. Paul stands beside me in the bathroom holding crackers each morning and if I weren’t puking my guts out, I’d think it was cute."
Monica gave a small laugh and shook her head, "He always wants to help."
"Yes, and I can’t fault him for that," She glanced at her watch before looking up once more, "Actually, he should be getting home shortly, so why don’t you come with me? If you happen to be here for awhile, you now have a place to stay. You know that you and Andrew are always welcome."
She only considered it for a split second, knowing that God would let Andrew know where she was, "I’d appreciate that, Alex."
"Good, then let’s get a move on as I’m freezing. Paul will be so happy to see you."
Moving to follow Alex, Monica glanced over her shoulder one last time at the group of children who were now being herded to their awaiting bus and she felt a tiny shudder go through her as she remembered the things that Alex had said. She could only pray that God would keep the wee ones safe.
*****
"Damnit!"
Alex and Monica exchanged a worried glance over the first sound they heard from Paul upon entering the house and the female agent was quick to take the lead in heading for his study.
"Paul?"
"He’s got another one, Alex," He muttered, clicking on the attachment to the e-mail he was reading to reveal a picture of a blond haired, blue-eyed little girl, "She’s been missing since this morning."
Alex’s expression turned to dread at the news as she approached him to take a closer look at the picture. The child was smiling, her eyes lit up in pure innocence and she felt her stomach churn at the thought of anyone taking that look from them. She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as she placed her hands on his shoulders, "And we’re off duty for the day and hopefully she will be found soon."
"Yeah, but in what kind of condition? As if molesting isn’t bad enough, but how soon before he turns one into his little sex toy?" He was ranting, but it came to an abrupt halt when he turned around and saw the little angel standing in the doorway and his heart thudded in his chest. He knew she had heard his words, judging by the flash of pain in her dark eyes.
"Hey sweetheart," He forced a smile as he approached her, deciding that maybe pretending he hadn’t said it and that she hadn’t heard it was the best approach, "I didn’t realize you were here," He ducked his head to kiss her cheek and watched her manage a smile.
"I ran into Alex a little while ago and she said it would be okay for me to stay with you. Andrew is on assignment here somewhere and I’m not sure how long he will be."
"Of course it’s okay!" He exclaimed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he exchanged a regretful look with his wife, "You know we always love to have you and Andrew."
Monica nodded her head as she moved past him to gaze at the image of the little girl on the screen, silently praying that Andrew had not been called to take her Home, "What’s her name?" She asked softly.
"Krista Steiding," Paul replied quietly, "Seven years old. Disappeared on her way to school this morning. Her mother didn’t even know until a classmate came by to drop off her homework, thinking she had been home sick today."
"Bastard," Alex muttered under her breath, her hand subconsciously resting on her barely protruding stomach. They needed to find this son of a bitch. That was the only thing that would make the streets safer for these kids once more.
"I was about to start dinner," Paul offered, deciding a change of subject was in order though he doubted any of them would be thinking of much else, "I hope you’re both hungry."
"Starved actually," Alex piped up, moving past Monica to click away the attachment. She could clearly see the range of emotions in her friend’s eyes and she hoped that Andrew wouldn’t be away long. "Eating for two and all…"
Paul chuckled as he caught her around the waist as she moved back towards him and kissed her softly, "I love hearing you say that," He whispered into her ear.
She grinned at him, "Now if you would just make up your mind about if we are going to know the sex of the baby before delivery, I’d be happy. You keep waffling about it."
"I kind of like the suspense," He said in defense.
"But knowing makes it easier to buy things in advance-."
"That’s what yellow and green are for, baby…good neutral colors with no gender specifications attached."
"Paul…" She shot him a warning look but it was tempered by the fact she was also attempting to hide a grin.
The agent neatly side-stepped the issue by moving to Monica’s side and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "So, would you like to help with dinner?" He knew she enjoyed at least attempting to cook and he still felt like he needed to make up for the look he had unintentionally put on her face earlier.
"Paul, you know I’m not exactly safe in the kitchen," she said, as the familiar relaxation she always felt with Paul and Alex began to creep over her.
"Nonsense. Practice makes perfect." He waited a beat before adding, "And I think there are some salad fixings in the fridge with your name on them."
She laughed as Alex slapped him on the arm. "It’s okay, Alex. He’s right… and anyway, salad is my specialty."
Ten minutes later the three of them were talking and laughing in the kitchen and anyone glancing in would have been hard-pressed to guess that they were looking at two seasoned federal agents and an angel of God.
The phone rang, interrupting their conversation and Alex hurried over to catch it before the machine picked up. Paul was busy stir-frying mushrooms and onions to throw over their steaks, and Monica was deep in concentration as she cut up carrots, celery and any other vegetables she could find. Neither of them noticed how Alex’s face fell as she was talking on the phone, and it wasn’t until she rejoined them that Paul looked up and his expression changed to one of concern.
"Baby? What’s wrong? Who was on the phone?"
"Jerry," she said, referring to one of the men in her division. "They found her."
Monica’s head shot up and Paul moved his pan off the burner and gave his wife his full attention. "Where?"
"School playground a few miles from where they found the last one."
"Alive?" he hated to ask but he was surprised she hadn’t already offered that information.
"Barely. She’s on life support and they aren’t sure if she’ll make it through the night."
Paul slammed his fist against the counter, hitting the handle of his spatula and sending food splattering to the stove and floor. Then he saw the devastated look on his Alex’s face and closed the space between them pulling her close to his chest.
"She… they aren’t sure but…"
"Shh… don’t think about it right now," Paul said quietly. "We can’t help her, but we can get this fucking bastard off the streets and we will. We will catch him and he’ll pay for what he’s done."
"I know that, I know. It’s just hormones…" Alex was surprised at how hard this case was hitting her, but she was grateful for Paul’s strong arms around her.
"It’s not just hormones, baby, and I’ve got a mess all over the stove that proves that."
Neither of them had noticed Monica leave the room, but as they pulled apart they glanced over towards the table where she had been working and saw the abandoned cutting board.
"Monica?" Alex called out as she looked down the hall.
"Maybe she just needed a minute," Paul said, but he followed her as she walked out of the room and towards the stairs.
"Monica?"
The little angel was standing by the front door, looking out the window. "I think Andrew’s coming," she said quietly.
"Right now?" Paul asked, amazed as always by their connection.
She nodded her head but made no move to leave the window. Alex and Paul shared a concerned look, but didn’t press. Even if Andrew wasn’t on his way, it was clear that right now Monica needed to believe that he was, and they weren’t about to put any doubts in her mind.
"Well dinner’s nearly ready, so we can take it from here," Alex said. "I’ll set an extra place."
The couple silently headed back to the kitchen, with Paul automatically placing one hand at Alex’s back as they walked. He would never take for granted the fact that he had that opportunity every day.
*****
She saw him coming up the sidewalk with his hands shoved in his pockets and immediately flung the door open. She wanted to run down the steps and throw her arms around him, but his expression stopped her and instead she stood just inside, holding the door. She shut it as soon as he entered and then turned to him, her face full of questions. Andrew grabbed her fiercely and pulled her into his embrace before she could ask any of them. His kiss against the top of her head brought her some peace, but not enough.
"You were with her," she finally asked, and he knew who she meant.
"Yes."
"You didn’t tell me that’s what your assignment was going to be."
"I didn’t know for certain. I knew it was a child and I knew it would be bad. I was just sent to the park to be with her if she wasn’t found in time."
"You could have told me that much," she replied quietly. "I could have helped."
She felt him shaking his head. "It wasn’t your assignment, Monica."
"You just didn’t want me to see."
He was quiet for a moment, "You’re right," He stated firmly, "I didn’t want you to see. There was no need for you to see it, but it also wasn’t your assignment."
Monica pulled away from him, her emotions conflicting, "I’m not going to break, Andrew. You can’t protect me from every assignment that could involve sexual abuse."
The haunted look in her dark eyes was one he had not seen in quite some time, and it fueled his purpose, "No? Watch me," The words had escaped before he even had time to consider them.
She drew back slightly and he cursed himself for the way this conversation was going. After the things he had seen, all he had been able to think about was getting back here and holding her tightly, telling her how much he loved her. He had never thought about the fact that Paul and Alex were involved with this case as well, and that his wife had pretty much heard most of what had been happening. He also knew that ever since her attack six months ago, he had been fiercely protective when it came to her and that fact was only driven home more now that that they were married.
"He raped her, didn’t he?" The words were a whisper as she looked up at him, dark eyes demanding an answer and his silence was all the more answer she needed. A moment later and she had turned away and headed up the stairs.
"Monica!" His call went unanswered as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration, knowing he couldn’t leave things like this. The last time Paul left an argument festering, a building had fallen on top of his wife.
"Give her a few minutes, Andrew," Alex said softly as she approached him, having overheard part of their discussion, "She’s been upset ever since I told her what was going on, so it isn’t really you."
"I know," He replied, his eyes still on the stairs, "But I can’t bear to see her hurting about this. She’s had enough of that to last her several lifetimes."
"And she’ll realize that," She did her best to console him as she took his hand and led him into the kitchen, "I hope you don’t mind, but I’m considering you an unofficial witness. We need to get this son of a bitch and any information at all is helpful."
Paul looked up as Andrew and Alex entered the kitchen and he managed a tension filled smile, "Hey buddy. Where’s Monica?"
"Upstairs," His wife explained, exchanging a look with him, "Andrew was with Krista before they found her."
Laying down the wooden spoon he had been holding, he turned the burner to low and took a seat at the table, "So, what’s the story?"
"I don’t know much, only what I was told and the condition she was in while I waited for someone to find her," Andrew’s eyes held a trace of pain. He hated the assignments that had been caused by violence, but children were the worst. They were so defenseless and the thought struck him that he was still thinking of Monica that way as well, "She had been raped and beaten. My opinion is that she was left for dead, but she was hanging on with everything in her. I’m just not sure if she will pull through."
"Bastard," Paul’s voice held barely contained fury, "I doubt he left her for dead. The prick probably knew she was alive, but that there was no way in hell she would pull through. He’s doing exactly what we thought he would do…each case has been worse than the one before. He took pornographic pictures of the first and has raped the last."
"How many so far?" The angel asked as he leaned up against the wall. He was not about to get comfortable. He wanted to help his friends, but there was a little angel upstairs who needed him more.
"Counting Krista, six," Alex offered, her eyes flashing anger, "And he’s moving fast. Six in two months and the last two within a week of each other."
"If the other girls weren’t as bad off, then you must have a description."
But Paul was already shaking his head, "We have a criminal profile, but no physical description. None of the kids have seen his face. He grabs them from behind and it seems his car is never far away. By the time the girls are able to see him, he is wearing a mask…some warped, fucking clown face or something from what we can gather. After that, the girls are blindfolded, so they never see him."
"What about the girl he took pictures of?" Andrew pressed, his entire body tense at the things he was hearing, "Did he leave her blindfold on to take pictures of her?"
"No," Alex continued for her husband, "But she said he put something in her eyes that blurred her vision. From the little bit of information she was able to give us, she’d may as well have remained blindfolded."
"There isn’t even a pattern to where the kids are taken from. They’ve been taken from all around the city. We have next to nothing to go on and things are continuing to snowball." Paul was completely disgusted, "We need a break and soon."
"Well, it seems I’m here for awhile and I can only assume that this is why," Andrew sighed with a shake of his head, "So needless to say, I’d like you to get a break as well." He looked over at Alex, for the first time realizing that she was starting to show her pregnancy, "How have you been feeling?" It hit him then, just how close to home this case had to be hitting her as well. With a child getting ready to come into the world, having the streets in DC relatively safe for children was a priority.
"Not too bad. Some morning sickness..."
"Some?" Paul raised his eyebrows at her, "You’re on your knees in front of the bowl every morning like clockwork."
Andrew chuckled for the first time since entering the house, "It will pass, I’m sure, especially now that you are out of your first trimester."
"For some women, it goes on the whole pregnancy!" She exclaimed, "I think hell would be better than that!"
A retort prepared and on his tongue, the angel stopped suddenly, his green eyes flashing concern, "I’ll be back," The words were spoken quickly as he all but raced from the kitchen and to the stairs. He had heard it. The smallest cry that had echoed in his heart and he cursed himself for leaving her alone as he took the stairs two at a time.
Chapter 2
"Monica?" He opened the door and his heart thudded to the floor. She had fallen asleep and though it couldn’t have been for long, it was long enough for the nightmare to take hold. She was whimpering softly, her forehead bathed in sweat and he was at her side an instant later, trying to gently awaken her. The fact that she was dreaming like this at all broke his heart, but it was only further proof that she was not prepared to be facing the things that he, Paul and Alex were facing.
"Angel," He shook her gently as his other hand ran along her cheek and it was all it took for her to bolt up in bed, her eyes wild with panic and fear, "It’s okay, baby. It was a dream…only a dream."
He had her face in his hands and she slowly calmed as the dream released her from its clutches. Blinking back tears, she looked into his eyes, "I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to-."
"Now do you see?" Andrew whispered, swiping at a tear that fell from her eye, "Do you see why I didn’t want to tell you?"
"I thought I had put it behind me…I thought…" Monica shook her head, "I thought it was over."
"It is over, angel," He soothed, pulling her into his arms, "But something like this can bring it back and that is exactly why you don’t need to be involved."
"But I will be," She whispered, closing her eyes, "Do you really think I’m just here for the ride? If God didn’t want me involved, do you really think He would place me here where this is happening?"
Andrew was silent as he pondered her words, holding them close in his heart. He didn’t want to believe that she was right. For the first time he wanted to send her away. He wanted her back at their little house, or out on a safer, happier assignment with Tess. Being parted from her would be a small price to pay if it would mean he could wipe the sadness from her eyes. But she was right. God had sent her with him, and He never did anything without purpose.
Holding her close he let out a long breath and touched his lips to her soft hair. "I wish that wasn’t true," he admitted. "I wish you weren’t even here." The words hurt to say, but they were the truth.
"Please don’t say that." Her words were muffled against his chest.
"You know it isn’t because I don’t love you, angel. It’s because I love you so much."
"Yes, but please don’t say it anyway. Don’t even think it. I don’t ever want us parted if we don’t absolutely have to be."
"Okay, okay." He gently stroked her hair as he spoke soothingly. "I’m sorry. I should know better than to question, but you know it’s hard for me when it comes to you getting hurt… even by the past."
Monica squeezed him tightly and then pulled back. "You should talk to Paul," she told him. "He feels the same way when Alex has to go into dangerous situations but he knows it’s part of her job and he can’t stand in her way."
"Maybe he can give me some tips about how he handles it," he said as he kissed her lightly and pulled her head back against his shoulder. "But I will never get used to coming in and finding you like I just did."
A little shudder ran through her small frame. "No… I won’t get used to that either. I wish… I wish I could just get over it… forget… make it all disappear…"
"That’s not something wishing can change, but just keep telling yourself that I am here for you. Now, tomorrow, and forever. It hasn’t really been that long, Monica. Not long at all. Don’t get angry with yourself for not being able to ignore that it happened."
"Do you think it will ever really fade away?" She asked in a small voice as she intertwined her fingers with his and studied the back of his hand.
"I think so. You used to dream of it every night, and now you hardly ever do. You know better than I do how far you’ve come."
"I’ll try to remember, but keep reminding me if I forget."
"Whenever you need me to, angel," he said and kissed her once more.
"We should go back downstairs. Dinner must be ready by now and I’m sure they’re both wondering what happened to us," Monica said as she slipped off his lap.
"It’s ready and waiting, but don’t worry about Alex and Paul. They both understand."
Monica headed to the door and waited for Andrew to catch up. "Sometimes I don’t know how they do it," she said as she shook her head. "They never have easy cases… someone is always hurt before they even get called. At least sometimes we have the chance to change people’s hearts and help them before anything happens."
"Well with any luck, this time Paul and Alex will be able to help the next girl before anything happens to her… with God’s grace there won’t even be another girl."
Monica nodded sadly and then looked up at her husband. He had taken her hand in his and was holding it tightly. She had him and Alex and Paul had each other. Whatever happened they would see it through together.
*****
Dinner started out as a very somber affair. No one knew exactly what to say with the crimes they all knew about hanging in the air. Polite comments about the house and the food and questions about the angels’ recent assignments only filled the silence momentarily. Then, out of nowhere, Paul announced that he thought that natural childbirth without any drugs at all was the way to go. With one look from an astonished Alex they were off on a much more lighthearted debate that led them to more talk of the baby and the future.
The evening ended on a high-note, but it ended early, with both couples announcing that they were worn out. Alex knew that of them all, Andrew was probably the most tired, at least emotionally. They could only imagine what he had seen first hand. They bid each other goodnight before retiring to their rooms, and they were all wondering what the next day would hold and hoping that it would be better than the current one.
Andrew was already in bed with a book open in his hands when Monica finally emerged from the walk-in closet in their room. His heart clenched when he saw her, but he kept his face neutral as she paused and looked at him briefly. She looked almost like a child herself in a heavy flannel nightgown that reached to the floor and her dark hair spread across her shoulders.
"It’s very cold, isn’t it?" She quickly broke his gaze and hurried to the bed and crawled under the covers.
Andrew, who had stripped down to nothing but his boxers was quite comfortable, but "It’s a little chilly," he allowed. She was obviously already feeling self-conscious and he wasn’t about to make her feel any worse.
Slowly he put his book down and turned out the light. When he turned to face his wife she had already curled up on her side facing away from him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, but he couldn’t stand the thought of just lying in bed next to her as if she wasn’t even there. Very cautiously he slid under the covers and draped his arm around her stomach as he inched closer. He couldn’t see her chest rising and falling faster, but he could feel it and he closed his eyes and took a breath.
"I just want to hold you, angel. Is that all right?"
"Mm-hmm," she answered, afraid to speak.
She was being stupid and crazy and that was all there was to it. Every night they had together was a gift and here she was throwing one away because she couldn’t get her spinning thoughts under control. All she could see when she closed her eyes was a dark and rainy alley, and when she opened them the dark held images of a helpless girl, trapped against her will. Andrew hadn’t caused either of those thoughts, so why couldn’t she just relax and enjoy being with him? It was selfish and thoughtless and he deserved better. He at least deserved her to say something.
He felt her starting to turn in his arms and he pulled her closer to his chest and leaned his head forward to kiss the side of her face. "Sleep, Monica," he whispered. "You’re just where I want you to be… safe in my arms. Just go to sleep, baby."
He couldn’t read her mind, but he knew her heart. He could imagine what she was feeling and he hated it. She still felt like she owed him something that he considered a precious gift. He had thought she was past that, but clearly he was wrong. It was a conversation they were going to have sometime soon, but not tonight. Tonight he just wanted to hold her close and send his love into her heart and make sure that he was there for any dreams that might come.
*****
Paul crawled into bed beside of his wife and immediately leaned over to kiss her gently before moving down lower to lay a tender kiss against her stomach through her nightgown. It had become his custom each night since finding out Alex was pregnant and he was almost surprised at how fiercely he already loved the child that was growing inside of her.
Alex smiled and reached out to run her hand through his hair affectionately. He had been so incredibly tender the last few months and at times it took her breath away. Ever since the bombings at the FBI a change had come over him. Though he had always been loving to her and a perfect husband to her, she had still often seen him as "the tough guy". But since facing the fear of losing her and then finding out he would soon be a daddy, something buried deep in Paul had emerged. She surmised that perhaps he had dropped the last of his defenses that had been in place since Lauren had died; defenses designed to protect his heart, less it should get broken again.
But with the surrender, came weekly flowers, often delivered to her desk, which had touched her deeply as he had always tried to remain neutral with her at work for the sake of appearing professional. Many nights, there were little gifts, and always two. One for the baby and one exclusively for her, whether it be bubble bath, which she always insisted he share the pleasures of, or new slippers as pregnancy often left her tired at the end of a long day in the office. Then there was just the way he looked at her, the softness that would fill his eyes, the look of intense love that often brought tears to her own. Yes, things were perfect, or nearly so, if only they could catch the man who was making her more afraid than she had ever felt working a case.
"Feeling okay, baby?" He asked as he settled in next to her and pulled her gently into his arms.
"Mmm, perfect now, thank you," Alex replied, snuggling up against him before falling silent for a moment, her fingers running along his arm, "Do you ever worry about bringing our baby into this world, Paul?"
"All the time," He replied softly, kissing the top of her head gently, "But we’re going to catch him, Alex. I promise you that."
"But there will always be someone, Paul. Some crazy, demented bastard who wants to hurt innocent kids. I know the chances are slim that ours will ever find him or herself in such a situation, but I’m sure little Krista’s mom and dad felt the same way."
Paul felt the tremble go through her and he moved so he could see her face, "Sweetheart, this is not something we can dwell on and there are a couple of angels down the hall who can attest to that. God is watching over all of us, including that little baby you have growing inside of you. Besides, I don’t know about you, but I plan on teaching Baby Gatlin every damn self defense move I know!"
This brought a soft laugh from her, though her eyes held seriousness, "Yes, I agree with that," She sighed softly, "And I know you’re right about the rest of it too. This case has just been hitting me harder than one has in a long time."
"Of course it is, baby, and it makes perfect sense," He laid his hand against her face as he gazed into her eyes, "But this is what we do every day. We make the streets safer for everyone, all the while knowing that we have to be careful always, and we will pass that along to this little one. We’ll teach our child to be careful and to be safe, as well as to be kind and giving and all the other things that are so important. Then when the day comes for him or her to test their wings, we pray that that the things we said had impact, the same way every other parent on the face of the planet does."
A sweet smile crossed her face and she pulled him down for a tender kiss, "I love you, Paul Gatlin. You always know what to say to me when nothing I’m saying to myself is helping."
"Ah, then my work here is done," He grinned, kissing the tip of her nose.
"You know, if I weren’t so damn tired, I’d tell you that you were wrong about that."
"I’ll take a rain check. It’s been a long day and I’d rather you rest."
"There were a lot of underlying emotions at dinner tonight," Alex stated softly with a sigh, "It seems we are all involved in one way or another and I can’t help feeling so sorry for Monica. This has to be hard for her too."
"Yeah," His eyes flickered with concern, "And that is weighing heavily on Andrew. Neither one of them really want to be anywhere near this road again so soon."
"We have to catch him, Paul." The words were a whisper as he leaned over and turned off the light.
"We will, baby."
*****
He was barely asleep, so it didn’t take much to awaken him. A tiny shudder, a little splash against his hand and his eyes were open, "Monica?" He heard her breathe out a quiet sob and he propped himself up to gently turn her face to him. Even in the dark, he could make out the trails her tears had made and could see more shining in her eyes. Her face as she looked up at him was still that of that small child, forlorn and ashamed and the ache in her heart passed directly into his own.
"What is it, angel? Another dream?"
She shook her head and moved to wrap her arms around his waist, burying her face against his chest and he breathed out a small sigh of relief. At least she wasn’t pulling further away. He held her as tightly as he dared, not wanting to scare her away, while his fingers stroked lightly through her hair, "Shh. It’s all right, baby."
Monica struggled to pull herself together, hating that she had woken him up, hating how selfish she was feeling, but she felt powerless to stop the tears from coming. "Couldn’t sleep…I keep seeing him…the alley…a little girl…" She felt his arms tighten around her, the strength in them engulfing her small body. "I don’t want to go back there, Andrew…not now that I’m finally here and it took so long to get to this point…and now tonight…I could barely let you touch me and I hate myself for that…"
"No. Listen to me," He pulled back gently in order for her to see his eyes, "You have nothing to feel badly about, Monica. You need to stop thinking that you can put the rape behind you indefinitely, because you can’t, and neither can I. When I was with that child today, yes, my heart broke for her, but at the same time, I was thinking about you, angel. I can’t even see an alley without remembering, without thinking about what he did to someone I love so much, so what makes you think you should be able to forget?"
She searched his eyes through blurred vision, "I never realized you thought about it."
"Monica! Of course I do, sweetheart. I love you and what hurt you, also hurt me, because of how badly you were hurting. But I also think about it and think about how far you’ve come, about the good things that happened because of it," Reaching out, he swiped at a tear that fell from her eye.
"But you don’t let it come between us," Monica whispered sadly as she lowered her eyes, but his hand under her chin forced her gaze once more.
"And neither do you. Baby, I’ve told you before that all I need to be happy is you in my arms, feeling your heartbeat next to mine, knowing that you love me as much as I love you. That’s all I require, angel. Making love to you is a gift, each and every time, but it is you that is so, so precious to me."
"Really?"
Andrew leaned in and kissed her forehead tenderly, "Really, baby. I’m the luckiest guy in heaven or on earth, just for having you in my arms and I will always be here for you, regardless of if your eyes are shining with joy, or if memories are hurting you." He kissed her softly, cautiously, but she made no attempt to pull away and he felt some of the tension drain from her body, "Now, come here," He settled back in bed and guided her head to his chest, hearing the contented sigh that escaped her. "I want you to sleep. I’m here, I love you and you don’t need to know anything else."
The beat of his heart soothed her soul and the warmth of his skin beneath her cheek and hand eased the bone deep chill that had set in earlier as his reassurance helped close her eyes. "I love you too," she whispered on a breath, "and you aren’t the luckiest…I am."
Chapter 3
When Andrew woke the next morning Monica was still nestled against his chest sound asleep. He tightened his hold on her as he wondered what God’s plan was for all of them. Monica hadn’t officially been assigned to anyone but he knew he was expected to stick close to Paul. He hoped that she wasn’t going to be assigned to any of the girls. While it would probably help them to have her as their angel he knew it would not be good for her. It was selfish but she had come so far and he didn’t want to see her take even a tiny step back.
In the other bedroom Paul blinked his eyes wearily as he woke up. Monica may not have had any nightmares but Alex had. All through the night she had tossed and turned, her mind held by some invisible foe. She had never woken and Paul’s tender caress and soothing words had been enough to calm back to more restful sleep each time. The agent now had a new respect for all that Andrew had gone through in those horrible days when Monica had first been deprived of her sleeping pills. He was hopeful that his wife wouldn’t even remember that she bad dreams had plagued her sleep. It was bad enough that she was sure to wake up nauseous.
He lightly kissed her on the forehead and stroked her arm. It was seven-thirty and unfortunately they had to work.
"Alex. Sweetheart… time to get up."
"Too early," she muttered after a moment.
"I know."
"Don’ wanna."
Paul counted to ten and by the time he hit eleven Alex had bolted from the bed and straight for the bathroom. He shook his head sympathetically as he followed her in.
"You okay, baby?" he asked as he rubbed her back.
"Don’t talk about babies right now, Paul," her words were muffled against her forearms as she leaned against the toilet.
"Sorry, Alex. Do you need anything?" He was already wringing out a damp washcloth to lay it against the back of her neck.
"No… I think I’m good." She turned her head and looked up at him, seeing the complete love and devotion in his face. Many men claimed that they would trade places with their pregnant wives if they could, but in that instant she could see that Paul really would. "I love you," she said with a little grin.
"Even now?" he asked doubtfully.
She chuckled and he stroked his fingers through her tangled hair. "I don’t think this is the first time I’ve been on my knees and told you that."
"No," he laughed, "but I’m pretty sure those other times were more enjoyable for both of us."
Alex felt her stomach settling down and stood up to wrap her arms around Paul’s waist. "Well you’ve got a point there. Maybe we can relive one of those times tonight."
He kissed her forehead and grinned. If he wasn’t the luckiest man on earth, he wasn’t sure who was.
*****
"Well, it’ll be easy enough to bring you on to the special task force," Paul was telling Andrew as they drank coffee and finished their breakfast. "Half of the guys have already met you."
The angel had just finished telling them that he had been told to stay close to them for the duration of his assignment and that his purpose would become clear in time. It was the type of enigmatic instruction he had been given hundreds of times before, but for the agents it was a little harder to understand. They liked to have a clear-cut plan of action and sometimes it was hard to remember that when it came to angels nothing was a simple as it appeared.
"What about Monica?" Alex questioned, her eyes turning to the little angel who sat sipping coffee at the end of the table.
"I haven’t been told anything yet," Monica replied with a little shrug.
"Well maybe you aren’t meant to be involved at all," Paul said hopefully. "Maybe you’re just here as support for Andrew."
Monica’s expression told him that she didn’t believe that even though it was what she was hoping for as well. "Maybe," she said slowly, not offering anything else but feeling Andrew’s tender gaze focused on her.
"So what’s your plan for the day then? We could all meet up for lunch."
Despite the serious subject Paul let out a laugh. "Half an hour ago you didn’t want to so much as smell food and now you’re already talking about lunch. That’s my girl!"
Alex lightly backhanded him to the chest. "You hush!"
Monica smiled at their interaction. Seeing them together always made her feel happier no matter what the situation. "I think that lunch would be lovely idea."
"Good. Then twelve-thirty, FBI headquarters. We’ll leave your name down at the front door and they’ll give you a badge to come right up." The agency hadn’t always had such strict precautions but a lot of things had changed since the bombing and limited visitors was once of them.
"What will you do until then?" Andrew asked, already afraid of the answer.
"I thought I’d just go where I feel led," Monica answered.
Andrew was somewhat less than thrilled to hear that his wife basically planned to wander the streets of Washington D.C. until told otherwise. It took every bit of self-control to bite his tongue, but that was exactly what he did. He also made a mental note to have that conversation with Paul; the one about how he managed to remain sane when Alex went off on dangerous cases by herself.
Ten minutes later, and the threesome was shrugging into warm coats as the temperature forecast was in the low thirties for the remainder of the week. As Alex and Paul went to gather their files from the study, Andrew approached his wife, who had been watching silently, sadness still lingering in her dark eyes. Yes, this case was already having an affect on her and he already didn’t like the things he was seeing.
Tenderly, he touched her cheek with the back of his fingers, watching as she looked up at him, "Be careful today, please? Especially if you are going out."
"I will. I promise." Monica wrapped her arms around his waist, sighing softly as his arms folded her into his embrace. She wasn’t convinced she wanted to be involved, but a part of her hated the fact that he was leaving her behind. She just wasn’t feeling all that strong right now and was trying to hang onto whatever strength she had left.
"I love you, sweetheart," He felt emotion closing his throat and he pulled away enough to take her face into his hands and kiss her gently.
"I love you too," Her voice was quiet, but her eyes reflected the deep feeling behind her words.
"Okay, ready to go now," Paul grinned as he slung the leather briefcase over his shoulder. He noticed the way Andrew’s eyes were fixed on the little angel, and he moved to lay a quick peck on her cheek, "We’ll see you for lunch, honey."
Monica nodded as her husband gave her hand a firm squeeze before following Paul out the door and she found herself momentarily facing Alex. The understanding she saw in her friend’s eyes caused her to breathe in sharply.
"We’re going to get him, Monica," Alex stated firmly, reaching for her friend’s hand. Though their reasons for this case hitting them so hard were different, in some ways they were very much the same. Neither of them wanted anyone else robbed of their innocence by the brutal and cruel actions of some man who had no conscience. Monica understood because of what had happened to her; Alex because of the baby she was carrying.
The angel nodded and Alex pulled her into a tight hug for a moment before giving an encouraging smile and heading out the door.
*****
It was only nine-thirty and already Andrew had listened in on two briefings, getting to hear the details of all the agency knew of the man they were looking for. Yes, there were other criminals at large, but a man that preyed on children was taking priority and some of the best agents in the field had been placed on the case.
Krista Steiding had lived through the night and though her prognosis was still not good, the fact that she had survived the last twelve hours was a miracle in itself. The agency was trying to remain optimistic, the fact that they were all pulling for the little girl was etched into the face of every agent the angel had come in contact with that morning and it brought him much peace. After the violence he had seen yesterday, it was an encouraging display of the compassionate side of human nature.
"You don’t expect to actually see her out there, do you?" Paul asked, somewhat amused as he finished up an e-mail now that he finally had a minute in his office. His angelic companion had his eyes fixed on the street below and had been there for the last several minutes.
"No, I suppose not."
"How is she doing?" Paul turned around in his chair to face his friend, waiting until Andrew finally turned his back on the window.
"I don’t know," He let out a sigh and shook his head, "She’s been upset since yesterday and had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night."
"I can understand that. Alex had nightmares off and on all night, though I don’t think she remembered them this morning," He frowned. This case was hitting them all hard, but it seemed to be the hardest mentally on their wives.
"Monica’s afraid of backtracking. She had a bad dream yesterday afternoon, about the rape and that was the first one in months, but it was enough to make her pull away. When she got into bed…" He stuffed his hands into his pockets and walked to the other side of the room, "She had trouble allowing me near her and she was even more upset about that and she honestly can’t control it. Now she is out there someplace, feeling the way she does and that leaves me here worrying about her." He sat down in the chair opposite Paul, "I guess I’m not as good at it as you are, Paul. Letting her go when I’m forced to, when our jobs call for it. I’m not coping all that well."
"Good at it, hell!" Paul replied with a slight chuckle, "I suck at it, Andrew, and it’s gotten even worse since the bombings. What I have gotten better at is keeping my mouth shut."
"Yeah. I did that this morning when I really wanted to demand that she not leave the townhouse. I don’t want to be that kind of husband to her, one who dictates what she can do when she isn’t working. But how do you draw the line between keeping them free and keeping them safe?"
The agent leaned back in his chair and eyed his friend closely before choosing his words, "I shouldn’t have to tell you this, buddy, as you and Monica are the ones who taught me about trusting God. You know that is what you have to do."
"I know and I do, but something about that changed when she was raped," He hadn’t spoken these words to anyone before. Not Monica and not God, though he knew that their Father was more than familiar with his heart, "There are times when I still dwell on the fact that God allowed her to be hurt like that. I could accept the things that David did; I hated them, but could accept them, but the rape…that had long lasting effects. She still suffers from it, it still causes her pain. I know that humans go through this kind of thing, but when an angel is forced to go through it…it just feels different," He paused, not feeling as if he was explaining himself very well, "Angels only understand so much about human nature, human pain and suffering. They have no other experiences to compare it to… nothing to build upon to help teach them coping mechanisms for when something terrible happens. Monica could barely comprehend that it happened to her, never mind trying to cope with the aftermath of it."
"But she had support and she has done very well," Paul pointed out.
"Yes, she has, but I still question why it had to happen to her at all. Yes, wonderful things came out of it, namely the fact that she is now my wife, but why wasn’t that allowed without her having to go through that kind of pain? God could have stopped it. He could have sent me to save her. She has stopped asking those questions, at least out loud, but I guess that I haven’t," Restlessly, he rose to his feet once more and returned to the window.
Paul fell silent, trying to think of what advice he could offer his friend. What Andrew was saying made sense and Paul knew were the tables turned, he would be asking himself the same questions. "Maybe…maybe the reason was to take you both to a new level of trust," he said finally, hoping that there was some truth behind his thoughts or at least something that would help. "She had to trust you with the worst thing that had ever happened to her and you came through for her in amazing ways. The fact that you gave her back her worth, that you showed her that she was still deserving of the love we all feel for her…she trusts you explicitly, Andrew. Without that, I don’t think she ever would have allowed herself to be as open about the love you two felt for each other."
Andrew gave a small nod, his eyes still focused out the window, gazing down on the hundreds of people that crowded the streets below, wondering if one small angel was among them, "Maybe…"
*****
Monica shivered, her cheeks flushed with cold as she walked through the sliding doors of Mercy Hospital. The warmer air hit her face and came as a great relief as she walked in the direction of the Information desk. Feeling something around her neck, she glanced down and saw the name tag underneath the volunteer title and though her heart was telling her that there was no assignment of yet, God knew why she had come and was giving her what she needed.
The gray haired woman’s face was kind as she turned her attention to the little female as she approached the desk, "May I help you?"
Monica nearly went back on her plans, but she heard herself speaking before she had taken time to rethink things, "I wanted to inquire on Krista Steiding. Can you tell what floor she is on?"
The woman shook her head sadly, "Poor little thing. I heard they were amazed she made it through the night, but maybe God is laying His hand upon her. She’s still in the ICU, which is up on the second floor."
"Thank you," She managed a small smile as she turned to the elevators and waited patiently, knowing she was really in no rush to get there. She wasn’t even sure of why she had come as her understanding of rape could certainly not compare to that of a little girl…or maybe the opposite was really true. Maybe an angel and a child understood things exactly the same….not very much at all.
"You’re about to miss your ride."
Monica jerked her head up, ridding her mind of her thoughts as met the eyes of the man who had spoken, "I’m sorry?"
He chuckled softly and it was only then that she realized he was holding the elevator door for her to keep it from closing. She hadn’t even realized it had arrived, "Going up?"
She gave a little nod, and felt herself bristling slightly when he followed her into the elevator. She still struggled with her comfort level when being with anyone she didn’t know or was assigned to of the male persuasion, and the flashbacks in the form of a dream yesterday had certainly not helped that situation. She moved to one end of the elevator, "Second floor, please."
He hit the button and watched her as the doors closed, unable to help but notice that she was more than a little high strung at the moment, "Worked here long?"
"No," The angel replied, glancing over at him and seeing a badge similar to her own hanging from the cord around his neck. Feeling a bit more safe, she ventured her own question, "You?"
"A few years now. Had to have something to do with my time when I retired." He smiled at her and she relaxed a little more.
"You seem a little young for retirement," Monica smiled, now feeling thankful for the diversion. He couldn’t be more than mid-forties, handsome, warm smile.
"Well, early retirement then," He chuckled, "I left the police force a few years back. Just couldn’t take it anymore. So much violence in the city. That little girl up in the ICU is a prime example."
The elevator stopped and the doors slid open and they both stepped out, "Yes. That’s why I’m here actually. I heard about what happened and I just…" Just what? The question plagued her and she struggled to continue, "I just maybe want to say a little prayer for her."
"That’s good of you…" He glanced at her name tag, "Monica. Krista could use all the prayers she can get. They’re still not sure if she’ll even pull through and sometimes I wonder what kind of life she’ll have if she does. Can’t imagine anyone ever getting over something like this happening to them."
Monica looked away briefly, a small pang of grief hitting her heart at full force, "No, I suppose not."
He watched her closely. He had noticed the way she had paled slightly and he already had an inkling as to why, and he berated himself for having said what he had, "But then again, there is little that love and God can’t heal. My name’s Shawn by the way. I’d be happy to show you to Krista’s room."
She looked up at him gratefully, "I’d appreciate that," She replied and fell into step beside of him.
"Krista lives in my neighborhood," Shawn stated after a moment before shaking his head, "I wish I had been around the morning she was taken, but I was here. When I’m not here, I’ve been trying to keep my eyes open, you know, trying to watch out for the kids."
"More volunteer work," Monica remarked and he nodded his head.
"Retired, but old habits die hard, I guess," He came to a halt in front of room 219 and peered in the door, "This is her room and it seems her parents may have gone down for a bite to eat. The Crisis Intervention folks have been trying to look out for them a bit. Times like this, you have to be reminded to eat and sleep."
The little angel nodded and drew in a deep breath, trying to summon all her courage before slipping in the door. At first, all she could see were the machines that were hooked up, the life support system, heart monitor, IV…but as she walked closer, she could see the pale face of a child who just yesterday morning had probably been overflowing with life. Now the life that remained was contingent upon a machine breathing for her.
Monica could feel her own heart pounding in her ears and her mouth went dry as she gazed down at the child’s face, seeing the bruises and her mind flashed back to Alex and Paul’s bathroom mirror the morning after her own ordeal. The vision made her wince and she nearly turned away, but something in her reached out and laid her hand over Krista’s.
Tears slipped from her eyes as she bowed her head, offering up prayers of healing for the little girl, before she simply sank weakly down into the chair next to the bed, all the while holding the little hand in her own.
Monica wasn’t even sure of how much time had elapsed but she was surprised to see Shawn waiting for her outside the room when she finally emerged. He was looking at her with concern and she lowered her eyes self-consciously, wondering briefly how much he could see. He was a trained police officer, so he had seen rape victims before, though she tried not to linger on the fact that so many months later, she might still look the part to the trained eye, "What time is it?"
"Just nearing twelve-thirty. Are you all right?"
Her eyes widened. She hadn’t realized how late it was, but she had walked the two miles to the hospital and that had taken a bit of time, "I need to go. I’m supposed to be meeting my husband and friends…they’ll be worried."
Shawn was not at all convinced she was prepared to drive anywhere. The young woman was obviously shaken, "Is your car outside?"
"No, I walked…I’ll hail a cab," Monica spoke hurriedly and had already starting walking to the elevators.
"Cabs are hard to hail this time of day," He replied gently, following her, "Monica, let me drive you. Where are you heading?"
The idea of getting into a car with him nearly stopped her heart but she forced herself to look into his face. She searched his eyes, looking for his soul. Then she clenched her hands into two tight little fists. This wasn’t right. He had spoken kindly to her and been nothing but nice, and yet she was letting her old fears take over. She was an angel. She was supposed to see the good in people, not hunt for the bad.
"I’m heading to the FBI building," she said, taking a breath, "and I would appreciate a ride very much."
"That’s fine, just fine. My car’s parked in the underground garage. When are you supposed to be meeting them?"
"Twelve thirty."
Shawn’s eyebrows rose. "Well you may be just a little bit late, but I’ll get you there."
Monica smiled thankfully as she slowly unclenched her fists. God hadn’t told her what she was doing in Washington yet, but he was giving her the help she needed when she needed it. Whatever her assignment was, it would turn out successfully. She just had to keep telling herself that and ignoring the memories that threatened to stand in her way.
*****
"Buddy, she’s only a few minutes late," Paul gave Andrew a pat on the shoulder as he approached the angel whose eyes were fixed on the elevator doors.
"A few minutes our time may as well be an hour Monica’s time," Andrew muttered. "You know that."
The angel was being completely serious and was clearly distressed so Paul struggled to contain the chuckle that rose in his chest. Yes, even a few minutes were enough for Monica to get herself into an unexpected situation, but she really was only ten minutes overdue and the lunchtime traffic was terrible as usual. She was probably just stuck in a cab two blocks away.
Alex rounded the corner from her office and spotted her husband and Andrew standing in the hallway.
"Monica’s still not here?" she asked as she approached them, and then mentally rolled her eyes. It didn’t take a professional to read their body language. The angel was anxious and Paul was relaxed but sympathetic. "I mean… of course she’s not… getting around the city is murder. There’s a million people out there…" Andrew’s worried look deepened and Paul’s turned to exasperation as he glanced at her. "Umm… I mean… not that she’s with any of them, but you know… they may be in her way…"
"Alex…" Paul’s voice was low.
"Right. Shutting up now." She moved closer to Andrew and patted his arm. "I’m sure she’ll be here any second," she said quietly.
Any second was not soon enough as far as Andrew was concerned. He hadn’t felt any outright fear from her, but his heart was still in turmoil. He tried to convince himself that the feelings were all his, but he knew better. At least some of them were coming from her. Taking a long breath he said a quick and silent prayer. Paul’s words had repeated in his mind. He needed to lay this in God’s hands. His own would never be quite large enough, but God’s were.
He looked once more at the elevator doors before turning to his two friends. "Why don’t we wait in your office, Paul. You’re right. She’s probably just caught in the crush. No reason to stand here hovering."
Paul looked surprised but relieved. "Good idea. And if she’s really stuck I’m sure she’ll call the office to let us know."
The three of them started down the hallway towards the corner office and didn’t hear the faint ding from the elevator as it stopped on their floor.
"Andrew? Paul?"
The angel turned around instantly and practically ran back to the elevator. How he stopped himself from snatching Monica into his arms was something he didn’t know.
"You’re late." They were the only words he could think of and he almost bit his tongue off when her eyes narrowed in distress. He was only trying to be neutral and avoid making a scene when what he wanted to do was hug her and break every promise he had ever made about not interfering with her angelic duties.
"Traffic bad?" Alex asked as she and Paul approached and she saw the way things were headed.
"It wasn’t too terrible," Monica answered truthfully, "but I got a late start. I guess I was a wee bit distracted."
"No harm, no foul," Paul said cheerfully. "Although next time you may want to remember that cell phone I gave you. This guys been on pins and needles for twenty minutes."
Monica looked at her husband again, expecting to see the same slightly hard expression on his face, but it had softened completely. He stepped forward and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.
"I’m sorry, angel. I was worried about you," he whispered lowly before pulling back.
A small hand slipped into his told him that he was forgiven.
"So what had you so involved that you forgot about lunch?" Alex asked. "Lately food is at the front of my mind ninety percent of the time," she joked.
The four of them stepped into the elevator and Paul pressed the button for the lobby.
"I went to see Krista," Monica answered. "I guess it was a little harder than I expected."
Paul and Alex shared a look of worry and Andrew slipped his arm around Monica’s waist. They all knew that ‘harder than expected’ was an understatement.
Andrew wanted to ask "Why would you do that?" but he stopped himself. Though a part of him wished she hadn’t seen the little girl, the other part of him understood completely, "How is she?"
"They still don’t know if she’s going to make it," She replied softly, "It looked pretty bad."
Andrew was quiet on the walk down the street to the cafe, already preparing himself for a night full of nightmares from her. She had placed herself in emotionally dangerous ground by going to the hospital at all and understanding why still did not make him feel pleased.
Chapter 4
Alex and Paul tried to keep up animated chatter through lunch, still arguing over baby names and if they wanted to know the sex of the child beforehand, but it was clear to the couple that their friends were distracted. Monica had been relatively silent and Andrew was completely absorbed in watching her every action. The little angel seemed to be forcing herself to eat and was doing a beautiful job of rearranging the food on her plate.
Looking up, she saw her husband’s eyes on her and she forced what she hoped was a reassuring smile as she searched for something to say, "I did meet a nice volunteer at the hospital. He was a retired police officer and he showed me to Krista’s room, so we had a bit of a chance to talk," She purposefully left out her original fears regarding Shawn, deciding that Andrew was already worrying enough about her and she didn’t need to add to it.
"There are a lot of senior citizens who work at Mercy," Alex remarked with a smile, "They retire and get bored, I suppose, but I always think it is sweet that they care enough to volunteer."
"Oh, he wasn’t a senior citizen. He retired early... he said he could no longer handle the violent nature of his job," Monica explained, laying down her fork, "He was sweet though. When I realized how late I was going to be, he offered to bring me to meet you."
Andrew’s eyes immediately darkened as he looked at her, "And I take it you said no?"
Her eyes opened wider in surprise at his words, "No, he brought me to the building."
"Monica!" His hand coming down on the table startled her. She had seen him angry before, but not like this and not at her.
Paul looked from one angel to the other and then muttered something about paying the bill, which was followed by an offer to help him do that from Alex. Regardless of what their own opinions were of the situation, it was obvious that Andrew had things he needed to say and it was not in their place to intervene.
"Andrew, he was fine," Monica insisted softly, though her heart was racing and a knot was already forming in the pit of her stomach, "I told you, he was a retired officer and I felt perfectly safe-."
"That’s what he TOLD you," Andrew snapped, cutting off her words, "What the hell were you thinking? You don’t know who this man was! What, he just came up to you in the hospital and started talking to you and you suddenly feel safe enough to get into a car with him?" He hated the look that was in her dark eyes, but he felt powerless to stop his tirade. His only concern for months had been keeping her safe and she had intentionally placed herself in danger today and he could not take it lightly, "Are you assigned to him? Did Tess or God give you that information?"
"No." Her voice was barely a whisper. She felt like a chastised child and he had never made her feel that way before, but at hearing his words, she understood his anger.
"You’re in the city, Monica!" He was managing to keep his voice low, but was also thankful that their table was away from most of the other diners, "You don’t know who the fuck you might be dealing with!"
"I’m sorry. I trusted him…I knew you’d be worried if I was late…" She was pleading and her hands worked nervously.
"Sorry doesn’t mean a damn thing if he had hurt you! I would have rather you called and told us you were going to be late, but instead you take a ride from someone you have known all of ten minutes! You have got to stop being so damn trusting!"
She fell silent, not knowing what else to say and a moment later he was getting out of the booth, waiting for her to follow. Somehow she forced herself to move, all the while holding tears at bay.
"I’m hailing you a cab and I want you to go back the townhouse," His voice was softer, but she didn’t meet his eyes, "I’ll be there as soon as I can."
"Are you sure I should trust the driver?" The words were out before she could stop them and she caught the flash in his eyes before she looked away.
Alex’s eyes were distressed as the two angels approached them, but she forced herself to not say anything. No, it was better if anything were said, that it came from Paul and not her. It was obvious Andrew was still struggling with the past and with his new role of husband and any advice on that subject should come from another man.
"Thank you for lunch, Paul," Monica said softly, trying to look as if everything was normal when it felt anything but that.
"Anytime, Monica," He replied gently, clearly able to see how distressed she was though she was managing a smile.
Alex watched as the two angels walked outside silently, before she looked at her husband, "I’m going to run over to the bookstore before heading back and that should give you and Andrew a chance to talk. I hope in about ten minutes he’s going to feel like a total shithead."
He grinned at her words, able to tell that she was more than slightly annoyed with the angel, "Probably, but he did have a right to be angry, though he isn’t seeing things clearly."
"Probably not," She sighed as she moved to kiss him, managing a little grin of her own, "Do we fight like that?"
"Us? Naah, never," He chuckled, returning her kiss and watching her protectively as she hurried outside and crossed the street. A few moments later, he was meeting Andrew’s angry strides as they headed back to the building.
"You were pretty tough on her back there," He remarked after a moment, casting a cautious glance at his friend. Andrew had been tempted to lay him out in the past and right now the angel might as well have a "Proceed with caution" neon sign above his head.
"Wouldn’t you have been?" He replied tightly, head down, hands in his pockets, "If Alex had been raped and then got into a car with a stranger six months later?"
"Yeah, I suppose I would have been," He surmised with a sigh, knowing it was the truth, "In all honesty, it seemed a little out of character for her to do that. She doesn’t trust all that easily anymore I wouldn’t think."
"I wouldn’t have thought so either."
"Almost seems like she is trying to force herself to be that angel again. The one who believes that no one is out to hurt her," Paul added, watching as his words took effect and Andrew slowed down his pace. He knew that soon to come would be the "total shithead" part.
"Don’t try to justify it," Andrew’s words were harsh and they didn’t match with the way he was suddenly furrowing his brows in doubt.
"I’m not, buddy. Believe me, I can understand why you would be upset… it makes perfect sense."
"You’re damn right it does," Andrew shot back, feeling another surge of righteous indignation. "If anything happened to her… if anyone hurt her…"
"I hate to mention this, but someone just did."
Andrew stopped and shot Paul a warning look, but again, hidden behind it was a look of guilt. "I suppose you’ve never lost your temper with Alex?"
"Oh yeah… plenty of times… and she’s let me have it too," Paul said with a chuckle before turning serious again. "But Monica isn’t like Alex, and you aren’t me. You’re her rock. And back there?" He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Back there you just fell on her, and she honestly didn’t know she had done anything wrong."
Andrew ran his hand angrily through his hair before thrusting it back into his pocket. Yes, ‘total shithead’ had arrived. "Fuck!" he swore under his breath. "You’re right. She didn’t know. She probably thought she had done something good by being able to put herself out there without being afraid. Damnit!" He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "She probably thought I would be proud of her, but how the hell could I be? I want her to have all of her old self-confidence back. I want her to be that optimistic angel who only sees the good in people, but even I can’t do that. There are evil people out there, Paul, and we all know it. We’ve all seen it… her more than any of us."
"And there are good people out there too… and even a few angels. I’m not saying that Monica should go hopping in cars with all of them, but there just might have been a nicer way of telling her that." His eyes were piercing into the angel’s as his own protective streak reared its head.
Replaying the conversation in his head, Andrew felt his stomach revolt at the remembered look on his wife’s face. She had already been noticeably rattled from her visit with Krista and instead of making her feel better he had yelled at her like a domineering bastard and then sent her home as if she was a child he could order around. Meanwhile he had never gotten to the deeper issue of why she had gotten into a car with a strange man when she normally didn’t even like to be in the same room with one.
"I’m a fucking asshole, aren’t I?" he muttered.
"Well, Alex was thinking more along the lines of shithead, but yeah, something like that."
"I can’t believe I just spoke to her like that. I have never… in my entire existence even thought about treating her that way…"
"Yeah, well, welcome to married life," Paul said with a grin. "It brings out the best in us but unfortunately it also seems to bring out the worst, at least in us over-protective types. You may remember a certain argument I had with Alex that ended with her trapped in a twisted pile of rubble," he added ruefully.
"It would be tough to forget."
"So consider this a rite of passage. Your first fight." The agent met his eyes and the gaze briefly turned hard and cold. "Just don’t let it happen again."
Seeing that brief flash of temper Andrew shook his head. "No, I won’t, but can you tell me how long this feeling of being the fucking lowest form of life on earth lasts?"
"It’s in direct proportion to how long you wait to apologize," Paul replied. "If I were you, I’d go now."
Andrew had already turned around and was heading towards a waiting cab. "Tell Alex I’m sorry about the scene. I’ll see you both back at the house."
"See you later, Andrew. Good luck."
*****
The house was eerily quiet when Andrew entered and the sound of him shutting the front door echoed loudly in his ears. Monica’s coat was hung on the rack giving him the small comfort that at least she was home safe and sound. He guessed that she was up in their bedroom but he walked through the first floor anyway, poking his head into each room. He swallowed hard when he got to the study and saw her sitting on the window seat with her knees tucked up to her chest, small arms wrapped around them.
"Monica?" he spoke quietly when she didn’t even look over at him.
"I didn’t expect you so soon. Where are Paul and Alex?" her voice was dull and she continued to hide her face by staring out the window.
"They’re still at the office, angel. I wanted to talk to you and I couldn’t wait."
A shuddery little sigh and then, "I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Please? You were right. I shouldn’t have just trusted him. Next time I’ll be more careful."
"I think I misspoke," Andrew said as he sat down at the other end of the seat. "When I said I wanted to talk, what I really meant was that I wanted to apologize."
She looked at him then and her expression did nothing to make him feel better. Her eyes were red but the rest of her face was pale and tired looking.
"You were upset."
"Monica, no. Don’t just write it off like that. I don’t care how mad or upset I was I didn’t have a right to talk to you like I did. You’re the one who should be mad at me right now. You have every reason to throw me out on my ass."
"No!" she exclaimed suddenly. "I wouldn’t do that," she said quieter, staring into his face.
"I know you wouldn’t baby, and that’s what makes what I did even worse. I know that with you I have your complete and everlasting love, and this afternoon I took advantage of that. You don’t even have it in you to get really angry, but somehow I have managed to acquire a temper." He tried to get her to at least give him a tiny smile but instead she cast her eyes back out the window.
"I really didn’t think you would be upset," she murmured as she bit nervously at her lower lip.
"I know that. I overreacted. You were late and I had been worried, and then when you told me about your ride, it just brought all that worry back and I guess it didn’t have anywhere to go but out my stupid mouth."
"But you were right. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have trusted him," Monica said sadly.
"I don’t care how right I was, I didn’t have to say it the way I did, and just for the record, you did make it to the Bureau safely." He reached out and gently laid a hand on her knee. "I think I was more surprised than anything," he said tentatively. "You’ve come so far and all of your assignments have turned out perfectly but I know you still aren’t always comfortable." He looked into her face and begged her to turn and face him. "I should have known that if you felt good enough about him to drive with him, then he was trustworthy. Your instincts have always been good, angel, and I didn’t mean to doubt them."
He was shocked when tears began to spill out of her eyes and he couldn’t just sit still and maintain his distance any longer. He pulled her close and tucked her head against his chest as he kissed her forehead.
"Monica what is it? What’s wrong? I’m sorry, baby. I am. I swear it’s not going to happen again."
"No," she whispered. "I wasn’t… I wasn’t sure. I was afraid. I was afraid the whole time," she managed to say through her tears.
"What? But sweetheart, why? Why did you go with him then? Why didn’t you just call us?"
"Because I was more afraid of not being an angel." The words were spoken very quietly and he had to strain to hear them.
"Just because you don’t trust every person you meet doesn’t mean you aren’t an angel, Monica." He said as he shook his head. "It means you’re a little more cautious than you used to be. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing."
"But Andrew, I’m an angel of truth. I’m supposed to be able to see inside people to who they really are. How can I do that if I can’t even trust them enough to be around them?"
"Baby, I think there’s a big difference between being around them and getting into a car with them alone. You’re pushing again. Pushing to make everything exactly the way it used to be… to make you exactly the way you used to be…"
"But I can’t, can I?" she said brokenly as she clutched him tighter.
"No. You can’t. But angel, some of the changes in you are things I am eternally grateful for. The way you love me, and the way you are able to let me love you. The way you are even more sensitive and sympathetic to those around you. So many little things, Monica. In my eyes you are perfect right now. I’m the one who isn’t. I’m the one who needs your forgiveness. What happened today… it won’t be repeated… not like that. I know we may argue again, but I will never talk to you the way I did today. I promise you that, Monica. I promise."
She looked up and saw the truth of his words written all over his face. "I know," she murmured as she reached up and cupped his cheek in her small hand. "I told you once that I would always forgive you, and I do."
"I love you, angel. Even when I’m upset I love you, and I will never stop loving you."
I love you too, Andrew. Forever."
He cradled her in his arms, thanking God for letting them be together and repeating his promise that he would be a better husband to her. Her body was relaxed against his and he rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. A few more minutes and he guessed that she would drift off to sleep.
However, before that happened she pushed herself away from him, just a few inches, and looked up into his face. He didn’t have time to question her before she was pulling him down and kissing him gently and lovingly. Her hand on the side of his face was warm and soft, and her lips parted invitingly as the kiss deepened. When they parted it was just to a hair’s breadth.
"Could we go upstairs?" Monica asked, longingly, though her voice still held a trace of nervousness.
"Right now?" Andrew replied, surprised, but when she nodded her head shyly and looked away he took her chin in his hand and tilted it upwards so that he could see her dark eyes. "Of course we can, baby," he said huskily, and the words were barely out of his mouth before he was scooping her into his arms.
She was so light, and she fit in his arms so perfectly that it was nothing for him to carry her up the stairs to their room. Once there he laid her gently on the bed and then closed the curtains, keeping his eyes on her the whole time. She reached out her hand towards him and he grabbed it tightly and sank to the bed beside her.
"I love you, Monica," he said once more before their lips met.
He was happy to let his wife take the lead as she slowly unbuttoned his shirt while tracing kisses down his jaw and along his collarbone. Her blouse was the next to go, and as Andrew deftly undid the buttons each one was like a little prayer and a promise. A promise to always deserve the incredible love she gave so freely. He had a lump in his throat when she was finally laid bare before him and he tenderly moved his hands to stroke down her body, from shoulder to hip, just giving thanks as he went. When he looked into her eyes again they held infinite patience and love.
"I was just reminding myself how blessed I am," he murmured.
She stretched out her hand and pulled him down for a long kiss. "So am I," she whispered as they broke apart. "So am I."
His hands against her breasts stole her breath away as they flicked over the sensitive nipples and then soothed and stroked them. By the time he added his mouth she was moving against him in an ancient rhythm and words of encouragement and adoration spilled from her lips. Normally he drew things out, teasing her until every nerve was on fire, but this time was different. The stress and the trauma of the past two days made it different. He wanted to give her pleasure but he wanted it to be mixed with peace. He stroked her body gently and tenderly, his fingers running the length of her and pushing her higher slowly, easily. All the while they continued to trade kisses and her slender fingers alternately tangled in his hair and clutched at his shoulders. When he finally entered her it was met not with a breathless scream but with a sigh that spoke of contentment and fulfillment.
Moving together slowly and deeply, they spun out their pleasure until Monica squeezed her eyes together and breathed out his name as she tumbled over the edge. The feel of her around him sent Andrew over an instant later and he kissed every inch of her face as he spilled into her and the two of them gradually floated back to earth together.
"Alex told me once that making up was the best part about fighting," Monica said as she lay with her head pillowed on Andrew’s chest.
"She was definitely right, but next time, let’s skip the fight."
"Yes," She agreed on a whisper, looking up into his eyes and he held her more tightly. He had other things he wanted to ask her, about her visit to Krista that morning, but she was so content at the moment, he knew it could wait.
"Why don’t you grab a nap, sweetheart? Alex and Paul won’t be home for an hour or so yet and I can start dinner-." The pleading look in her brown eyes stopped him instantly from saying any more.
"Don’t go," The whispered words were a plea and he was quick to reassure her.
"I won’t, not if you don’t want me to," He felt the tension immediately leave her body and he knew this had more to do with the crimes that had been happening and her visit with Krista today then with what had occurred in the café. Though it would take him awhile to get over the way he had spoken to her today, he knew she had already put it behind her.
Moving to grab the quilt from the chair beside the bed, he covered them both with it and then kissed her forehead, "Go to sleep, angel. I’ll wake you in awhile and we can start on dinner together."
A contented though sleepy smile crossed her face as she closed her eyes to the feel of his lips laying soft kisses against her hair, "Oh, how I love you…" She murmured on a purr as she drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
Chapter 5
"So is he getting the silent treatment or are you just gonna go all out and punch him as soon as you see him?" Paul’s question broke up the tension that was present on his wife’s face and she grinned over at him from her place next to him in the car.
"Is it that obvious I’m still pissed off?"
He chuckled softly and reached for her hand, "It could be motherly instincts mixed in with a mad rush of hormones, but what do I know?"
"Yeah, well, I’d have given you an ass chewing you wouldn’t soon forget had you spoken to me that way," Alex informed him, though her blue eyes danced teasingly.
"Yes and you have," He laughed in agreement.
"But Monica isn’t like that. She doesn’t fight back and he knows that about her. A few obscenities thrown back at him would have shut him up, though I’ve never heard a foul word come from her mouth. Would have shocked him into silence!"
Paul knew she was annoyed, but keeping a straight face was simply not possible and he wondered if Andrew had any idea of what he was in for. The angel’s wife might not fight back, but his certainly would, "Alex, they are probably all made up by now. ‘Total shithead’ level was achieved and you can give me payment for that later, by the way," He winked at her, grinning at her look of amusement, "Just want you to know that I follow orders, ma’am."
"Good. Then I’ll be giving you a few more orders later…privately." She replied coyly as he pulled into the driveway and into the garage.
"Gotta love a woman who knows what she wants." He replied, keeping up the playful banter as he parked the car and turned off the engine.
Unbuckling her seatbelt, she moved closer, her lips only a breath away from his, "Oh, I know what I want, all right," She kissed him gently and then shocked the hell out of him when her hand moved between his legs and she squeezed him gently.
"Shit!" His eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed at the fact that she could hardly contain her laughter, "Woman, you’re going to be the death of me! If there weren’t two angels in the house, I’d have you follow through on that little stunt just inside the front door!"
"Oh?" She asked softly, moving to kiss him once more, her tongue seeking entrance and he leaned his head back and obeyed her bidding, tongue plundering her mouth hungrily. His eyes opened once more as she unbuttoned his pants with one hand and tugged down his zipper, unsure if he could take anymore teasing. He felt her reach into his boxers and he groaned as her hand surrounded him.
Alex smiled against his mouth, already feeling him throbbing in her hand as she stroked him slowly. Pulling away, she whispered against his ear, "Be right back…"
His eyes were filled with lust as she lowered her head right there in the car and took him into her mouth, licking the tip of him, before sucking gently. His hands tangled into her hair as she slowly worked him into a frenzy, her heat against him nearly driving him to the edge and she seemed to sense this and she gave one more hungry lick upon him before raising her head and grinning up at him.
"This is not fair," He growled, pulling her up for another kiss, "The console is the only thing preventing me from taking you right here and now."
"Logistics," She murmured up against him as she reached down his side for the lever that controlled the seat. Their weight on the back of the driver’s seat caused it to go completely back more quickly than she had intended, but they never broke the kiss even as it was intermingled with laughter.
Paul was still a bit confused, but obviously his wife had been thinking about this for some time, as before he knew it, she had hiked up the long skirt she had been wearing and reaching under it, she hitched her panties to the side and positioned herself over him. Just her actions alone nearly undid him as she sank down onto him and he was surrounded by her warm, slick walls. A moan had escaped her as he filled her and he wasted no time in grabbing her hips as they set the rhythm together. It wasn’t the most comfortable of scenarios, but Paul found himself moving to completion rather quickly and he pulled her blouse from her skirt to reach up beneath her bra to tease her nipples as a surprised cry escaped her as she drove against him harder. From that moment, she was plundering to the edge and she caught his mouth with her own as she climaxed with him, their cries muffled against each other.
They were both breathless as she collapsed against him, still holding him inside of her and Paul wrapped his arms around her tightly, kissing the top of her head, "My God, how I love you."
"Is that just because I took advantage of you in the front seat of your car?" She asked with a soft giggle.
"No, though all the other commuters tomorrow are going to wonder about the shit-eating grin on my face the whole way to work."
She smiled and kissed him softly before moving to open his car door, so she could carefully climb out, though her husband kept a protective hand on her until she was standing in the garage, trying to put her clothing to right. He then stepped out beside her and rebuttoned his pants, chuckling softly the whole time, though it turned into a full blown laugh at her next worried question.
"I have sex hair, don’t I?"
"Yep, but we’ll tell them the wind is picking up."
Alex was still smoothing down her tresses when they walked in the door, trying to look perfectly normal and upon entering, her expression turned to concern once more as she looked for the angels. Paul dutifully followed her to the kitchen and he immediately relaxed when he saw Andrew and Monica fixing dinner. It was obvious at a glance that things were much better between them, judging by the little looks and touches that were taking place.
"Hey, you two. Something smells good in here," He decided to announce their presence as he walked into the kitchen, noting that Alex remained at the doorway with a rather hard look directed at one certain angel still in her eyes.
"Chicken," Monica told him, smiling up at him as he placed his hands on her shoulders as if to assure himself she was all right, "And rest assured, Andrew did most of the cooking, so you have nothing to fear."
"I had a delightful assistant," Andrew countered gently, looking at his wife with tenderness in his eyes. She still looked tired with some residual pain in her eyes, but she was smiling and more relaxed than he had seen her in two days. For the moment, it was enough.
"Damnit," Alex muttered with a little sigh, "I left my briefcase in the car. I’ll be right back."
Before Paul could offer, Monica was already speaking, "I’ll get it for you."
"It isn’t necessary, Monica, but thank you. I can grab it."
"I don’t mind," The little angel stated softly, already moving to the door. Stopping she gave Alex’s arm a little pat, "You’re pregnant and have been working all day. It’s time for you to rest."
"I’m going to check the messages," Paul stated, knowing Alex wanted a moment alone with Andrew, if for no other reason, to place her mind at ease.
"Dinner will be ready soon," Andrew assured Alex, turning to face her for the first time and immediately giving pause at the look in her eyes. He managed not to look amused even as he wondered how Monica so unknowingly did it. She had no idea of the protective instinct she inspired in all those who loved her.
"Things are all right?" It was more of a demand than a question as she folded her arms across her chest.
"Yes," Andrew replied dutifully, "And I’m sorry about the scene at lunch, Alex. I was way out of line."
"Yes, you were," She stated, her voice still as hard as her gaze, "She didn’t deserve that."
"No, she didn’t. I was being a…’total shithead’ I believe is the phrase of choice," His eyes twinkled with mischief as he watched her lips twitch as she tried to hide her smile.
"Yes, that would be the phrase and unfortunately, all you men become one from time to time and apparently even angels are no exception."
"No, I suppose they aren’t as I proved today, unfortunately," At this point, he knew the conversation was part game, part seriousness as he had managed to break the ice a moment ago, "I have promised to do better and I will. I never want her hurt…especially not because of me."
"Glad to hear it," Alex smiled as she relaxed and only then took a seat at the table, still fidgeting self consciously with her hair.
"I brought in your paper right as you came around the corner," Andrew stated, enjoying the way her eyes widened slightly, "Funny, I never noticed how windy it had gotten." He winked at her, watching the color rise to her cheeks.
Unable to contain her laughter, she wagged a finger at him as she shook her head, "Yes, you are definitely still a total shithead."
She was still shaking her head and laughing under her breath when Monica came in carrying the briefcase in her hand. "It looks like there’s something wrong with Paul’s car," she commented. "The front seat’s all flat. I don’t think he can drive like that." She looked over at Andrew. "Maybe you could look at it with him after dinner," she said. He wasn’t exactly a trained mechanic but they had all done a multitude of jobs that they still retained little bits of knowledge from.
Andrew wasn’t sure how he managed to keep a straight face. It helped that he had turned back to the stove and couldn’t see the shell-shocked look on Alex’s face. "Yes," he agreed, "I’ll have a look. Can’t have them driving around the city like that."
Alex’s chair suddenly and loudly scraped back against the tile floor. "I… umm… I’ll be back down in a minute," she stammered, and hurriedly left the room.
"She’s probably just running upstairs to change," Andrew attempted to cover for her.
Monica nodded her head as she walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around her waist. "She probably wants to run a comb through her hair too. It’s all rumpled from having sex with Paul in the car."
If it were possible, Andrew’s eyes would have popped out of his head and plopped down into the chicken dish he was cooking. As it was he spun around and stared down at his wife.
"Monica!"
She grinned up at him smugly. "I may still be a little off when it comes to trusting people, but lately I have become an expert in what a well-loved person looks like."
Andrew started laughing so hard he thought tears would spring from his eyes. "Priceless, Monica. You are priceless." He pulled her close and kissed her until she was breathless. Apparently the stressful day had caused a surge of hormones for all of them.
*****
They were almost through with dinner when the phone rang, breaking into their casual and completely non-work related conversation. Monica immediately reached for Andrew’s hand under the table. The last time the phone had rung it had been to tell them that Krista had been found.
Paul motioned for Alex to stay in her seat and he quickly walked to the counter and grabbed the phone. As he talked he walked out into the hallway. If it was anything bad he didn’t want Alex or Monica to have to hear it that way. The three of them remained at the table, staring at each other and praying for the best.
When Paul came back into the room he wasn’t exactly smiling but he didn’t look upset either. "She’s going to be all right," he announced. "That was our liaison down at Mercy and they just took her off the ventilator. They think she could start to come around in the next day or two."
"Oh thank God," Alex breathed, not even noticing how her hands had drifted to her slightly swollen belly.
"Yeah, I’m pretty sure He had a hand in it," Paul agreed. "She’s got some healing ahead of her but she’ll be fine."
None of them noticed how Monica’s face had drained of color as they spoke, but they all noticed as she pushed her chair back and stood up. Andrew looked up at her questioningly, but her eyes were already focused on the hallway.
"She’ll be fine, but she won’t be the same," she whispered to them. "She won’t ever be the same." Paul stepped out of her way as she walked out of the room and a moment later they heard her footsteps on the stairs.
Andrew’s jaw was clenched as he watched her go, and then he turned to his two friends.
"I guess you didn’t get a chance to ask her how her visit with Krista went," Alex offered.
"No, but I think we all knew it didn’t go well. I’m sorry, Paul, do you mind cleaning up? I just don’t want to leave her up there alone."
"Of course not. Get up there."
It was all the invitation he needed, and he immediately stood up and headed quickly upstairs. Their bedroom door was closed, but he opened it quietly, his heart immediately going out to her. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, head lowered and her arms wrapped protectively around herself and he didn’t miss the slight trembling of her body.
He approached her carefully and slowly knelt down in front of her, resting his hands gently on her legs, waiting to see if she would offer anything so he wouldn’t have to ask.
"I’m sorry," Monica whispered after a moment, "I just-."
"Angel," He interrupted, reaching up to stroke her cheek, "Don’t you ever apologize for anything you are feeling. Whatever your feelings are, you are entitled to them, baby."
She pressed her lips together tightly, trying to ward off tears. Her emotions had been all over the place the last two days, and it was exhausting her, but yet she couldn’t seem to control them. A part of her wanted to shut everyone out, but she was fighting to keep that from happening again. She had done that in the early days, and she had learned eventually that staying open and honest with Andrew was imperative.
"I think you are also entitled to cry if you want to," Andrew whispered to her, and watched as her dark eyes welled up at his words. She was immediately trying to blink them back, not wanting to give into them, but he continued tenderly, "If it hurts, Monica, let it out. You never have to pretend to be strong with me, angel. Right now, let me do that for you."
It was all it took for her to crumble and he moved to the bed quickly and pulled her into his lap, pillowing her head under his chin and rocking her gently. He remained quiet, allowing the soft sobs to escape from her as she clung to him. Andrew could tell by the way she was trembling that memories were in the forefront of her mind and he worried that she was trying to hide how she was really feeling again. Had she really been as happy as she had seemed an hour ago in the kitchen, or was she trying to cover up the pain that had been hitting her full force since coming with him to Washington?
It took many long minutes for her sobs to quiet and he continued to stroke her hair and her back, laying kisses on her head, "Better?" He asked her softly and felt her give a little nod, "Can you talk to me about what happened at the hospital today?"
Monica drew in a trembling breath, choosing not to look up into his eyes, but remaining where she was as she began in the softest of whispers, "I’m not even sure of why I went. She’s only seven, but she’s the only other person I know of who…who…knows…" Tears threatened again, but Andrew soothed her gently until she could speak again, "I found out her room number and was waiting for the elevator and that’s when I met Shawn. I suppose he could see that I was uncomfortable with him at first, but he starting talking to me and he seemed nice. He was telling me about Krista, about how they didn’t know if she was going to make it… and he said something about not being able to imagine what kind of life she would have if she survived, because of having been raped… he said he didn’t see how anyone could ever get over that." She shook her head sadly and her voice trembled, "He’s right. I didn’t realize it before, but though it will get better, it has gotten better most of the time, but there will always be something to bring it all back again. Some sound, or a word, or a touch…it’s never going to go away completely…"
Andrew hugged her tighter, his own emotions threatening to choke him, "No baby, probably not. But you will get stronger and those times will be fewer and more far between."
"I know…I guess I just hadn’t realized the full truth until today. It has been hard to accept. I kept waiting for some magical moment when it would all just disappear and that moment isn’t ever going to happen… not for me, and not for Krista…"
His jaw clenched and he fought back tears, "No, angel, but I promise to always be here and to always love you and to always help you through the moments that are hard."
"I know that too," her voice was still a whisper, "and I hope that when Krista grows up, that she can find someone like you, who understands how hard it is and who is so gentle with her heart and with all the other places he hurt." Almost frantically, she sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against him. "I love you… I love you so much… you have no idea how much it means… how much it means that you understand and that you never lose patience with me… to know that you’re never going to walk away because of it… I know that some women don’t have that and I don’t know… I don’t know how they survive, Andrew!"
The blond angel felt tears pricking the backs of his own eyes as he held her tightly to his chest, his large hands spread out across her back, cradling her. He could hardly breathe. Her words now only made his own angry ones that much worse. He had been a fucking bastard and she had not only instantly forgiven him, she was clinging to him for dear life. Her rock. That was what Paul had called him. No one paused to think that without her he would crumble and wash away to the far reaches of existence.
"Angel," he was finally able to speak and he wanted her to hear every word. "Monica… my little angel…" he turned his head to kiss her tear-streaked face and almost had to close his eyes at the depth of her grief… and the depth of her trust in him. "I love you baby. I love you and you’re right. You never have to worry about me leaving because that’s never going to happen. Never." He squeezed her tighter to make his point. "But don’t thank me for my patience, angel. I learned that from you… from watching you every day come back stronger and braver and always so perfectly loving and generous with everyone who touches you. I will be by your side for eternity, but I know in my heart that you could survive without me."
"No… no… I couldn’t," she was shaking her head and clutching him tighter.
"Yes you could, Monica. I’m the one who wouldn’t want to survive without you. There’s an inner strength in you that you may not be able to see, but I can and I think God has given it to every woman who has ever been hurt that way. He’s given it to Krista, Monica, and He’ll be watching over her always. You know that."
"It will still be so hard… just so hard…" she continued to cry although it was no longer the bone deep sobs from earlier.
"She’ll have help, Monica, and her parents will be there for her… the same way I’m here for you."
"I hate this, Andrew. I really, really, hate this," her words were muffled against his shirt. "I don’t want this to be happening to anyone else, and I don’t want to be remembering it all over again. Whoever is doing this… I hate him. I hate him so much it scares me."
"That’s all right, baby," Andrew kissed her gently and stared into her eyes. "I hate him too, Monica. I hate him for what he’s doing and I hate him for what this is all doing to you. You’re not alone. Please just keep telling yourself that. I am here for you any time… just like back at the farm. If you need to cry and scream, let me be there to hold you. Don’t hold it in, baby, and please don’t close yourself off from me. Even when I’m acting like a complete ass, I still love you more than anything… more than my own existence…"
"I won’t forget, Andrew… I promise." Her tears had finally stopped but she remained on his lap, arms wrapped around his strong chest, and heart beating beneath her ear.
"Alex and Paul have things covered downstairs, and I really don’t want to let go of you yet. Is that all right?"
Monica nodded wordlessly. He knew that she wasn’t ready to leave his embrace but he wasn’t going to make her do the asking. Yes, he was probably right. She would be able to survive even without him, but she wouldn’t really be existing.
Chapter 6
Alex and Paul looked up worriedly the next morning when Andrew walked into the kitchen, his expression almost haggard and showing a lack of rest.
"Bad night, buddy?" Paul asked, rising to his feet to pour his friend a cup of coffee.
"Her worst in a long, long time," the angel replied quietly, gratefully accepting the mug from Paul. "She’s sleeping now though, but…" he sighed heavily, shaking his head, "Paul, I’m supposed to stick close to you but for the life of me, I don’t know how to leave her alone today."
"You two never came back down last night," Alex remarked, watching him with concern, "I guess seeing Krista really hit her pretty hard."
"I never even got that far, Alex." He sat down at the table with them. "This retired officer she met… well, they were talking and he said something about not knowing what kind of life Krista would have after what had happened to her… didn’t see how she could ever recover from that…"
"Fuck," Paul muttered under his breath, not even needing for Andrew to say anymore as he already knew the rest of the story.
"It seems she’s been holding onto the hope that one day it would just all go away…that she’d forget and yesterday she realized that is not going to happen. It nearly broke her heart," His last words were barely audible and the couple had to strain to hear them.
Exchanging a look with Paul, Alex spoke up softly, "Ya know, I have a ton of sick days to use up…even more than enough for my maternity leave. I’ll stay home with her today, Andrew. Maybe I can get her to go out shopping or something to take her mind off things."
"I have an even better idea," Paul said thoughtfully, "What if I arrange for you two to fly out to the farm later on this morning? Andrew and I can join you both there tonight. We can spend the weekend there, away from this whole mess."
Andrew looked at them both, nearly bowled over by their offers. They were both looking at him, so eager to help, because they were their friends, because they loved Monica, "Don’t you need to be here, Paul? In the event anything happens?"
"I can put Hendricks on call for me until Monday," He stated firmly, not missing the hopefulness in the angel’s eyes.
"She needs this, Andrew," Alex stated, reaching for his hand, "And we wouldn’t offer if we didn’t want to do it. She needs the air, and the horses and all the things she loves there. The break will be good for all of us. I haven’t been sleeping so well myself and my demons aren’t nearly the bastards that hers are."
"I hate to have you lying about being sick though, Alex-."
She gave a little wave of her hand and reached for the phone, "I’m human, Andrew and can lie when need be…besides, it’s for a good cause."
Paul and Andrew watched in amusement as she dialed, cleared her throat and when the line was answered, she began speaking hoarsely, "Hi Renee…Alex…not coming in today. Been puking my guts up all night…right…yeah, after three kids, I guess you would know…" She gave a small laugh and it was interrupted by a very convincing cough, "Okay…see you Monday." Clicking off the phone she grinned triumphantly, "Done."
Paul applauded softly, "Yes, that’s my wife. Fighting for justice most days; lying to her superiors on other days." He smiled at her and took the phone, "What time do you want to fly?"
"Eleven?"
Andrew watched as it was all planned out around him, saying a silent prayer for the gifts of their friendship. Regardless of how bad yesterday was, he knew he had plenty to be thankful for, "Let me go tell her about the plans and then I’ll be ready to go, Paul."
"Take your time," He replied, before dialing the number to the commuter airport.
Andrew slipped quietly into their room and sighed softly. She was asleep but it was restless at best, but as dreams had plagued her all night, he wasn’t surprised. He just hoped Alex was right. That the trip to the farm would be just what she needed.
Sitting down beside of her, he brushed her cheek gently with his fingers and watched as she instantly stirred, the weariness in her eyes reaching deep into his heart, "Good morning, beautiful," He smiled tenderly at her, watching as she smiled softly up at him and reached for his hand.
"Good morning to you too," She replied sleepily.
"How are you feeling, angel?" He gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he continued to touch her face with the other.
"I’m okay," He knew it wasn’t really the truth, but he allowed it.
"I’m going in with Paul, but Alex took today off… said she needed a little break." Okay, so it wasn’t really the truth either, but he knew her well enough to know that she would balk that their friend had taken off work so she wouldn’t have to be alone. "They want to go to the farm for the weekend, so we thought you and Alex could fly in this morning and we’ll join you tonight. Would that be all right with you?"
A look of peace crept into her eyes and his heart soared, "The farm? Really?"
"Yes, baby, really. I take it you are in agreement?"
She nodded her head and sat up to hug him close, having a feeling there was more to this than he was saying, but more than willing not to question it, "I’ll miss you today."
"I’ll miss you too and will be loving you even more than that, angel," He whispered, pulling back to kiss her tenderly, "But I’ll see you tonight. Hopefully it will be an uneventful day and we’ll get out early."
*****
Although Monica was downstairs, dressed and with her customary coffee in hand when Andrew and Paul left for the day, she was still unusually quiet. If she held onto her husband for a minute longer than normal before he left, no one said anything about it, but Alex felt her determination to keep the little angel occupied increase accordingly. Or maybe she would be able to get her to open up. The last thing she wanted was for the angle to just bottle everything up all day only to suffer through nightmares all night.
As the car pulled out of the driveway Andrew kept his eyes focused on the front window. He could see Monica standing there, holding the curtain back and watching them. He kept his eyes on the house even as they drove off and her image became lost in the glare of sunlight off the glass.
"You want to talk about it?" Paul asked after five minutes passed without a word from Andrew.
"There isn’t a hell of a lot to say."
"Well you could start with how this is all making you feel."
"Me?" Andrew was completely taken aback.
"Yeah, you. It’s pretty obvious she isn’t the only one reliving some pretty shitty times."
"Maybe so, but what I’m feeling doesn’t even compare," he said as his mouth drew back into a troubled frown. "The White House and the farm are both houses but they aren’t even in the same league."
"You’ve got a point there… and just for the record I’d take the farm any day of the week. But c’mon… you’ve got to be feeling something."
"I am… Helpless."
"Oh, don’t even go there, buddy. We both know that you’re anything but helpless. She depends on you and you are right there for her one hundred percent. That isn’t being helpless. Some guys wouldn’t know what to do. They’d try to ignore it. They’d try to avoid it. Trust me, they wouldn’t all be staying up all night long just in case a nightmare hit."
Andrew didn’t answer. He kept his eyes trained on the car ahead of them.
"Did you get any sleep at all last night?" He was beginning to think that the angel wasn’t going to answer him, but finally Andrew spoke.
"A couple of hours I think. Just before the sun came up. Normally if she’s having a bad dream it wakes me up immediately, but I didn’t want to risk it."
Paul shook his head and clenched his fingers on the wheel. "I’m sorry. I wish I had the right words, but I know that anything I say will just sound trite and simplistic. I’m here to listen… I guess that’s the best thing I can offer you."
Andrew looked over at the man who so obviously cared deeply for both him and Monica. "That’s really the only thing that counts," he said gratefully.
A wry grin appeared on Paul’s face. "Yeah, well a magic wand would be nice too, but they’re all sold out." A few more minutes passed and Andrew continued to look completely preoccupied. "She’s in good hands with Alex."
"I know that, and I know she’ll be fine. It’s just that she does depend on me and I hope that doesn’t get in the way of her having at least a little bit of relaxation today. Sometimes…"
Paul chanced a look over at the angel and saw that he was shaking his head. "Sometimes what? You don’t want her to depend on you so much?"
"No… it isn’t that… I love that she trusts me enough to lean on me… at least I feel like that’s something I can do for her."
"But?"
Andrew looked around as if searching for the right words and finally he turned to Paul, saying, "All right… guess how long it took her to forgive me yesterday for being such a jackass to her."
Paul shrugged. "Monica? Forgiveness? I dunno… half a second?"
"Less."
"That’s who she is. You know that. When she loves someone she’ll forgive them anything."
"Yes, but she didn’t even think twice about it. If anything she was acting like she was still the one who had done something wrong. I think I would have been happier if she had been really pissed off at me."
"Well if you’re looking for penance I’m sure you could arrange something with Alex. She was pissed off enough for both of them," Paul smirked.
Andrew chuckled but his expression soon turned serious again. "I wish it was that simple. It’s hard to explain, Paul. She’s so trusting… so loving… I think that sometimes she thinks I’m far more perfect than I am and I don’t want her feeling that way. I don’t want her afraid to get mad at me. I don’t want her thinking that she’s so damn lucky to have me. I’m the lucky one. Frankly, she got the short end of the stick getting stuck with the only angel who has a lousy temper and a short fuse."
Paul let out a loud bark of laughter at that description. "I think that compared to any human man you’d still be considered a saint."
"That may be true, but that doesn’t make it right."
Nodding in understanding, Paul replied, "No, but I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it either. Maybe you’re right. Maybe she can’t see any of your faults because she’s too busy looking at her own. That’s not anything you two can’t deal with, Andrew. In fact I think it’s a problem most husbands would kill for."
"Well most husbands don’t have an angel for a wife."
"Good point and she is an angel in the truest sense of the word," He shot Andrew a look and grinned, "Not that you aren’t, but you do have that whole short fuse thing going for you." Andrew chuckled and he continued more seriously, "I think this whole rape thing has left her feeling incredibly insecure and even if she was pissed as hell with you yesterday, that insecurity isn’t about to let her fight back and risk putting any kind of wall between you two when she needs you so much right now."
"But surely by now she knows I can’t stay even slightly angry with her for more than five minutes and even being angry isn’t going to make me not be there for her," He saw Paul glancing over at him and he sighed, "Okay, maybe she doesn’t know that. After all, the total shithead in me wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise yesterday before I ordered her into a cab and home. I still can’t fucking believe I did that…dismissing her like that. I make her feel terrible and she’s the one telling me how right I was about her not getting into a car with Shawn, the retired police officer."
"Now there’s a guy who needs to learn to keep his mouth shut," Paul grumbled with a shake of his head, "I mean, who the hell makes a comment like that about a seven year old girl? Granted, he could not have known Monica’s history, but to say something like that? Total jerk."
Andrew continued to stew for a few more moments. After the way Monica had cried in his arms last night and the things that she had said to him, his guilt over yesterday was eating him alive, "Is there a florist on the way to the airport?"
Paul laughed as he pulled his car into the parking garage, "As far as being a husband goes, Andrew, you have arrived. There have been times I’m not sure if the flowers I have purchased for Alex are more for her or for me."
He smiled slightly, "I’m going to spoil the hell out of her this weekend. Maybe by Monday I can look in the mirror and not hate myself. How soon can we get out of here today?"
"If nothing happens, I’m shooting for lunchtime…and as long as nothing drastic happens, I’m still shooting for lunchtime."
"I think I can live with that," Andrew replied. As he waited for Paul to find a space to park, he closed his eyes, sending all the love in his being out to the one little angel who maintained a constant grip on his heart.
****
As Alex pulled into the driveway at the farm that afternoon, she was sure she could physically see some of the tension draining out of the angel in the passenger’s seat. Monica had spent the morning being rather quiet and Alex had to work hard to draw her out, but luckily, she was known for her perseverance.
Monica found herself blinking back tears as her tired eyes took in the snow covered land that she was so familiar with and she felt peace stir in her heart for the second time that day. Though some of the memories of being here were hard, the more recent ones were among her favorites. This was the place that she and Andrew had admitted to their love for one another, the place he had proposed…the place they had been married and she wasn’t surprised to have to choke back a silent sob.
"It’s so good to be here," She whispered, looking over at her friend and smiling.
"I agree completely," Alex stated, making a mental note to let her husband have his way with her tonight for this idea…not that she needed a reason, "Come on, lets go in and fix some lunch. I’m starving and you didn’t have breakfast other than coffee."
Monica nodded her head in agreement as they climbed out of the car and she grabbed both of the weekend bags from the trunk, refusing to allow Alex to carry one.
"Trust me, Monica, having Paul fuss over me is plenty," She grinned as she unlocked the front door, "Seems I can’t have a hangnail anymore without him showing concern."
The angel giggled as she followed her friend into the house, "I think he has been very sweet," She replied, setting down the bags.
"Yes, he has," She rolled her eyes playfully, all the while knowing she would not trade his attention for anything in the world, "Make yourself comfortable and let me unpack the groceries I had delivered and see what I can scrounge up for lunch."
"Let me do it, Alex, or at least let me help," Monica offered, but Alex was already shaking her head.
"You’re a guest and actually I enjoy it. Paul doesn’t allow me to do much at home anymore, so I welcome a few hours of being a domestic goddess. By tonight, he won’t be allowing me to wash a dish."
Monica smiled as Alex vanished into the kitchen and she then found herself wandering through the house. Though it had only been three months since she had last been here, she found herself running her hand along the familiar tables, smiling at seeing the one by the door that Andrew had set her roses on the night of their first date. These were the things she wanted to remember, not the other things that had been filling her heart and mind the last two days.
She was still smiling as she walked by the study and she looked in briefly, feeling a coldness creep over her. It was a room she had not entered since the day of her mock trial and she felt the unwanted images coming back to her mind.
"I remember! I know it was him! I know! I’ll never forget! Never in a hundred years! Never!"
"That’s enough! What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you trying to prove?"
Pushing the painful memories aside, Monica quickly closed the door to the study and then leaned up against it, forcing back the tears, "I’ll never forget," She whispered to herself, "Never in a hundred years."
No, she wasn’t going to do this. Not this weekend. She wasn’t going to think about William Grady, or some horrible criminal who was running loose in the streets of the city, or little girls or angels who were never going to be the same. Determined, she headed back to the kitchen.
Alex looked up when she entered, frowning slightly at the sudden paleness of the angel’s face, "I though I told you to relax," She smiled.
"I decided I really would like to help. As long as you aren’t using the stove, I should be safe."
Monica’s smile was present but strained and Alex laid down the knife she was holding, "What I really think you need to do, is talk," She pointed to the table, "Sit."
"Alex, I’m fine, really. Just a little tired is all."
"I’m sure you are, as you had nightmares all night last night," Taking Monica’s hand, the agent led her to the table, "You had a shit day yesterday. You went to see Krista, your husband behaved like an ass at lunch and you’re telling me you’re fine?"
She lowered her eyes briefly and when she looked back up her dark eyes were slightly defensive, "Andrew was right. I never should have taken that ride. Anything could have happened."
"But nothing did and it doesn’t matter if he was right, he was way out of line," She sighed and reached for the angel’s hand, "I don’t want you to rehash this. I know he has made it right and that is what is most important."
"I don’t want you thinking badly of him, Alex. He was worried about me is all."
"I don’t think badly of him, honey and I sorted my own issues out with him last night," She watched Monica’s eyes open wide in surprise and she chuckled, "I was ready to take a piece of his ass when I got home for the way he spoke to you. I know he was worried about you, but he also hurt you, whether you can admit that or not."
Monica was silent for a moment, trying to sort out her own feelings, "I love him, Alex. I can forgive him anything."
"I know you can, in about zero point five seconds," she sighed softly. She didn’t want to tell her friend about the conversation that she’d had on the phone with Paul this morning when Monica had been packing, but she also wanted her to consider a few things she had taken from that conversation. "Honey, I know he is sorry for what happened, but I think maybe he feels even worse that you forgive so fast and then don’t give it another thought."
"But Alex, I don’t," She insisted, "When it is over, it’s over-."
Reaching over, Alex grabbed the angel’s other hand as well and looked straight into her eyes, "You look me right in the eyes and tell me that he didn’t hurt you yesterday and I’ll believe it."
Monica froze, looking into her friend’s blue eyes and she felt a tear roll down her cheek, "Of course it hurt," She whispered and she felt Alex squeeze her hands, "He’s never talked to me like that before."
"So why didn’t you admit that to him?"
"I didn’t want him to feel bad. I knew he already did and I didn’t want to make him feel worse."
"So it’s okay for you to feel badly but not for him?"
"Maybe," She was starting to feel frantic, not liking where this conversation was going, but she had a feeling with Alex driving, the agent knew exactly where she was going.
"Why?"
"Because I need him right now! I need him all the time, but especially right now. I don’t want some stupid fight changing things between us!"
Though the angel tried to pull away, Alex kept hold of her hands tightly, "Monica, do you really believe that a fight is going to change the way he feels about you? Or is what you really feel the fact that on some level you still don’t feel deserving because of what William Grady did to you?"
Monica yanked her hands back as if they had suddenly been burned. She gave Alex a long hard look and then quickly stood up and walked to the window. "You don’t know what you’re talking about."
"Well at least you don’t have any trouble getting pissed at me," Alex muttered.
The angel immediately spun back around, looking completely mortified. "I’m sorry, Alex, I didn’t mean it that way," she said quickly. "I just… I don’t want to talk about him… about that."
"I know you don’t. You don’t want to think about it. You don’t want to talk about it. You want to just forget about it but you can’t. Then, every time something bad happens; when things don’t work out the way you plan, or when someone gets angry at you, in the back of your mind you’re still telling yourself that maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be now. You just keep repeating how lucky you are, and how blessed, as if you don’t deserve anything more. You can’t even see how you affect everyone around you, how everyone you touch is that much better off just for having you nearby."
"No… Alex that’s not true… God hasn’t even given me an official assignment because He knows I can’t do any good for anyone right now. And I am blessed! Blessed to have Andrew and you and Paul to love me." Monica was shaking her head.
Alex sighed in exasperation. She had expected Monica to deny her feelings, but here she was denying her own worth again instead. "It is true, Monica. It’s true and you just proved it. God hasn’t given you an assignment because He has some other plan in mind for you, not because you aren’t capable." She watched as Monica turned her back and stared out the window. This wasn’t going quite as well as she had planned. She was supposed to be helping the little angel relax and instead she had blindsided her with a mini-intervention. "Monica, you know I’m not doing this to hurt you." A short nod was the only reply and she let out a long sigh. "Do you remember that conversation we had in the barn right after you and Andrew first kissed? You were so afraid. You didn’t think you were worth what he was offering and you didn’t think you ever would be." She shook her head as she remembered. "I was just about at my wit’s end when Paul showed up. He never did tell me what he said, but whatever it was did the trick."
"He talked about you," she murmured quietly and Alex’s eyes widened. "About how if it had happened to you he wouldn’t have felt one bit differently about you. He said it was the same with how Andrew felt about me."
Alex swallowed and blinked rapidly a few times to clear the mist that had risen over her eyes. "You believed him then," she said softly. "What’s changed since that night? What’s changed to make you go back to thinking, even if it’s only in the corner of your mind, that you aren’t worth every bit as much as Andrew? That your feelings aren’t just as valuable?"
Monica shrugged and Alex stepped up behind her and wrapped an arm around her small shoulders. "Well I have a few ideas. First… I know that you talk to Andrew about everything, but he’s the only one you talk to. It’s not like I’m placing blame or anything… there isn’t exactly a rape crisis center in Heaven I’m guessing, but that’s left you with just one safe harbor when you’re hurt: him. So where does that leave you when he’s the one doing the hurting?"
"But he never has before," Monica insisted. "He’s never even looked at me crossly."
"I know, honey, and I’m very glad about that, but this time he did, and chances are he will again."
"No… he won’t," Monica replied vehemently.
"That brings me to point number two," Alex continued. "Andrew is wonderful. Unbelievable really. He’s pretty much a one in a billion husband that just about every other man could take lessons from, but he isn’t infallible. He’s made mistakes just like everyone else, and you can’t keep telling yourself that you’re just lucky he’s putting up with you."
Monica turned towards the woman and pursed her lips, eyes bright with tears. "I’ve never thought that… but I am lucky… and he has had to go through a lot because of me."
Putting her hands on Monica’s shoulders, Alex forced her to look into her eyes. "He’d go through it all a thousand more times if he had to, Monica, and it isn’t because he’s such a perfect husband. It’s because you are worth it," she paused to emphasize each word. "Nothing that fucking bastard Grady did to you took away one iota of your worth, so you need to stop imagining that it did. So when you disagree with Andrew I expect you to say so, and if he ever talks to you like he did yesterday you are fully entitled to get angry and yell your little guts out at him. It’s okay to fight. Lord knows Paul and I have gotten into it way more than once, and the only time it really hurt us was when I hid what I was really upset about. Nothing is going to change between you except a deepening of the respect you already share. He sure as hell isn’t going to leave you. I don’t even think he’d know how."
Monica had finally let the tears break free and track down her cheeks, and Alex reached over to the counter and grabbed a paper towel.
"I guess… I don’t think I ever realized what I was doing," the angel said as she took the makeshift tissue and wiped at her eyes. "I just knew that any time anything came between us it was like a huge ball of fear sitting right on my heart and I wanted to do anything to make it go away… to make sure he still loved me."
"Sweetie, that is just about normal. The first few times Paul and I fought I felt like I was gonna throw up… and I think you know all about the last big fight we had." Monica nodded and Alex continued with a grin, "As for Andrew not loving you? I think I can say with absolute certainty that that is never, ever going to happen."
She gazed down at the floor for a moment. Alex had given her a lot to think about, so much in fact, that it all felt pretty jumbled up in her mind, "I think…I think I need a little time alone, Alex. You’ve given me a lot to consider."
The agent looked momentarily alarmed. The last thing she had wanted to do was to send the angel running for seclusion, "Where are you going?" She tried to sound casual about it, not wanting to be the one to tell Andrew she had no idea where his wife was.
"For a ride, I think," Monica replied quietly, moving to get her coat, "I’d rather like to see Scout and I think I’d like to be outside someplace where I don’t have to feel afraid or unsure."
"Okay, but Andrew and Paul will probably be here in an hour or so. Honey, he’ll be worried if you’re not back by then."
The little angel gazed out the window and nodded her head, "Tell him…tell him he knows where to find me."
Alex watched her go out the back door, praying that she hadn’t made a terrible mistake.
Chapter 7
Alex was ready to climb the walls by the time the front door opened three hours later and she heard Paul calling out her name to announce their arrival. She summoned all her courage and plastered on a smile as she hurried out to the hallway to meet them.
"You made it," She smiled, immediately seeing the roses they were each holding, "Oh, and you come bearing gifts!"
"Well, it was Andrew’s idea, but I was not be outdone," Paul grinned, handing her the bouquet, "I mean, how bad would that have looked?"
"I think I would have understood," Alex shot a wink in the angel’s direction; "Andrew is still groveling."
The angel chuckled softly, "Where is she, Alex? I’ve been worrying about her all day."
Immediately, her entire demeanor changed and there was slight nervousness in her eyes, "Well, funny you should ask that as I was just wondering the same thing…"
Paul didn’t miss the alarm that sprang to his friend’s face, "Alex, what is going on? Where is Monica?"
"She went for a ride…she and I had a little talk and I think she realized a few things she was having some trouble facing…"
"What the hell did you talk about?" Andrew demanded. His heart was racing and he didn’t think he could be patient much longer with Evasive Alex.
"I think that bit of information is best off coming from her, Andrew, but she told me to tell you that you would know where to find her."
Confusion filled his features for a fraction of a second before understanding kicked in and a moment later, he had set down the roses and was taking long strides through the kitchen to the back door.
As the back door closed sharply, Paul looked to his wife and raised his eyebrows, clearly requesting an explanation.
"She asked to go alone, Paul and I think she needed to be by herself. It takes another woman to understand that we need that sometimes," Her voice held an edge of defensiveness and before she could turn away, he caught her by the arm.
"Sweetheart, I’m not angry, I’m just worried about them is all. It’s going to be dark soon…maybe I should help Andrew look for her."
"No," She stopped him firmly and looked up into his eyes, "They need this time…Monica needs this time with him and besides, he knows where she went. I think we all know where she went."
*****
Andrew slowed down his horse as he came to the edge of the woods and despite the knot of fear in his stomach, he also felt a wave of emotion wash over him at the sight of the forest and the clearing. He could still imagine the archway the day they had gotten married and how beautiful Monica had looked the night he had proposed. This was only the second time he had been back to this place since she had become his wife. The first time, they had been together and the brief picnic had ended up with him making love to her on the picnic blanket.
He saw Scout just at the edge of the woods and he dismounted, releasing his horse to join Monica’s as he walked slowly, but purposefully into the woods, knowing exactly where he would find her.
"I was worried about you," He said softly, as he approached her and took a seat next to her on the rock she was sitting atop of. Her cheeks were pink from the cold and he longed to hold her close, but something in her eyes kept him from doing that just yet, "Alex said the two of you had a talk."
"Yes," Monica replied quietly, keeping her arms wrapped around her knees which were pulled up to her chin, "It was a difficult one to have but she made me realize some things that I had managed to bury."
He was quiet for a moment. He so wanted to touch her, but he had a feeling that she was using every bit of strength in her being right now just to get through this conversation. She hadn’t even looked at him directly but he could feel that it wasn’t because she was angry with him, "I’m here to listen, angel, you know that."
"I know and I need for you to do that, but some of this is going to be hard for me to say and maybe hard for you to hear. I know you’re going to tell me how wrong I am, but you have to understand that no matter how right or wrong it is, it’s how I feel deep inside. I hate it, but I’m not sure there is anything you can say right now to make it be different."
She finally looked over at him, and Andrew could see the sadness in her eyes and he hated it. Tentatively, he held out his hand, palm up and breathed a sigh of relief when she laid hers inside of it. Closing his fingers around her small hand, he nodded, "I understand, sweetheart."
Monica nodded her head and managed to keep her emotions in place, "Yesterday, in the café…you hurt me, Andrew. I know you were right…I never should have gotten into the car with him, especially when I was so afraid, but the things you said, still hurt. I knew it then and I knew it when you came back to the townhouse, but I was too afraid to show you that."
He squeezed her hand gently, "I hate myself for talking to you that way, angel. You didn’t deserve it, no matter how things turned out."
"But I thought I did," Her voice was a whisper and she felt the tears starting to burn in her eyes. Taking a moment to blink them back, she continued, "Remember the night we first kissed and after Paul talked to me out in the barn, I came back in? I told you that if you could believe that what William Grady did to me didn’t matter, that maybe one day I could believe it too. Do you remember?"
Andrew thought for a moment he would be sick. He knew exactly where she was going with this and though maybe on some level, he had suspected it all along, it still broke his heart to hear it, "Yeah, baby, I remember."
She turned her teary eyes to him. "With everything in me, I want to believe it… I want to believe it doesn’t matter and I even know most of the time that to you, it doesn’t, but…when it comes to how I feel…about myself, it still matters…it still matters a lot. That’s why I couldn’t show you how hurt I was or why I couldn’t get angry. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I’m afraid that one day you’ll realize it matters too… that I’m too messed up for you to love… that if God had allowed it, that you could have had someone who hadn’t been raped… who doesn’t tense up sometimes when you touch them, like I do." She looked away for a moment, hating the tears that had begun to fall from her eyes, "Please don’t think it is you I’m doubting. I know you love me, you show me that everyday. It’s what’s inside me…the part of my soul that tries to tell my heart that one day you’re going to come to your senses," Her voice caught in a sob, "Before you came home yesterday, I was sitting there praying that you were going to come back at all-."
Unable to stand it a moment longer, Andrew pulled her fiercely into his arms, crushing her to his chest as he struggled to find the words. She had already told him that no matter how wrong it was, it was still how she felt inside and he was afraid that there were no words to remedy that, but he had to try, "Then I will just keep telling you until you do believe it, angel. Until your heart is so certain that it drowns out what that dark place in your soul is saying," He pressed his lips against the top of her head, "Know this. Know that you are the last thought in my mind before I fall asleep at night and my first waking thought when I open my eyes in the morning. Even my dreams, sweetheart, are of you. It’s pretty safe to say that I think about you all the time and that nothing feels more perfect to me than holding your hand in mine." He pulled away and watched as she tilted her head up to look into his eyes, "Even the day after Grady did what he did, and every day since then, I have never looked at you and seen someone who was raped. Baby, I look at you and see someone I love. Someone I want by my side now and for the rest of eternity and I am never, never going to change my mind about that."
"That’s how Alex said you felt. It’s what Paul’s said too… and I keep making you say it over and over again. Right now I believe it," she whispered quietly. "I just hope that next week or next month I’ll still believe. I love you so much it hurts deep inside… and then I get so afraid…"
Andrew sighed heavily and closed his eyes as she settled her head against his chest. "If I could I would erase every speck of doubt right now, but I swear that someday you will look at me and wonder how you ever could have thought that I could possibly stop loving you. I may not be able to make you forget about the rape, but I swear that I will at least be able to do that for you. I don’t deserve you, Monica but with God’s help and your love I will become someone who does."
"You already are," she murmured into his jacket. "I told you… I don’t blame you… it’s me…"
His finger was against her lips a moment later. "No. It’s not you. This is about both of us… together… and we will see it through together. I don’t want to ask anything of you right now, but please, tell me that you’ll remember what I’ve said to you the next time you feel even a hint of worry. Remember what my arms feel like around you right this minute. Remember how tight I held you and remember this:"
His heart, which was always at least partly open to her suddenly burst wide apart and everything he had ever felt for her flooded over and through her heart and soul. There was laughter and friendship and even the little disagreements they’d had over the years, but stronger than anything else was the deep and overwhelming love that he felt for her… had always felt for her. She clung to him, sobbing again as the emotions came almost too fast for her to comprehend them all. She remembered the fear she'd felt when she had completely opened her heart to him after the rape, when he had stood in the living room holding her and had told her that he loved her even more than before.
Leaning his head forward, his lips found hers and he kissed her slowly and gently, even as she continued to softly cry. "I know you’re still going to have doubts for a while, but I will set them to rest each and every time. I promised you forever, angel, and that’s what I am going to give you."
*****
"Alex, I can’t wait anymore. It’s almost pitch black out there. They should have been back."
His wife’s hand on his arm kept him from getting up from the sofa. "Please, just five more minutes, Paul. I’m sure they’re fine." She had managed to get him to watch the news with her to distract him from the angels’ absence, but the sports reporter had just wrapped up and the teaser for the weather was kind enough to announce that temperatures were dropping rapidly and expected to hit single digits by midnight.
"I agreed to five more minutes, almost half an hour ago," he teased, but when looked down into her face he abruptly sat down again. "Alex, what’s wrong?"
She waved her hand in front of her face and sniffled. "It’s nothing… just the hormones… you know that… I just… I don’t want you out there in the dark too."
Paul gently rubbed her arm and kissed the tip of her nose. "Fine. Five more minutes. But then I really have to start looking for them." He waited for a minute before putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her tight to his side. "You never told me what you and Monica talked about," he said slowly.
"Probably stuff I shouldn’t have said, but I felt like she needed to hear," Alex replied.
Paul’s questioning glance let her know that a little more detail was needed.
"I think that sometimes she still doesn’t feel much better about herself than she did the week after that fucking piece of shit raped her. I think she still doesn’t think she’s worth anymore than he told her she was."
The shocked look on Paul’s face nearly said it all. "You told her that?"
"Of course not. Well, not like that anyway. But it’s true, Paul. I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen that look she had in her eye in the café. It’s been six months, but when something like that hits her it may as well be six days. She’s come so far, but there are some things that are just going to take a little longer than others… and one of them is feeling sure enough about herself to really let Andrew have it when he’s out of line."
Letting out a little chuckle he gave her a squeeze. "I thought you had appointed yourself her fight stand-in."
"I have. Trust me. But she isn’t always going to be here, and if she can’t be honest with him when she’s mad then it hurts both of them."
"Well judging from the guilt pouring off Andrew today, I don’t think he’ll be giving her cause to be angry any time soon."
"I know. I could tell that the second he walked in the house," she said with a wry grin.
When the back door opened four and a half minutes later, Alex felt an enormous weight lift from her chest. She was the first one out of the family room and Paul didn’t catch up to her until she was almost in the kitchen.
"You’re back!" she announced.
Andrew chuckled as he helped Monica out of her coat. "Yes, we’re back." When he glanced over and saw the last bits of worry flit from Alex’s expression he continued, "Sorry we were gone so long…"
"That’s okay," Alex piped up. "Gave Paul and me a chance to get dinner together."
Paul laughed out loud. "What she means is that it gave us a chance to call the pizza place and put in an order. It should be here in the next ten minutes or so."
Alex was trying to catch Monica’s eye and was grateful when the little angel finally looked up. It was obvious that she had been crying, but her eyes were dry now, and there was even a familiar glint of hope that had been missing for the past several days. Whatever they had said to each other it had managed to make her feel at least a little bit better.
"Well, I say while we wait for the delivery guy, we get a fire going," Paul stated decidedly, "It is going to get cold tonight and as we are all here on a break, we’re taking advantage of it and relaxing right. Andrew, buddy, can you help me bring in some wood?"
"Sure thing, Paul," The angel replied, putting his jacket, which he had just taken off back on again, with a playful roll of his eyes to Alex.
She stifled a giggle, though her eyes shone warmly at the way Andrew laid his hand tenderly against Monica’s cheek before he followed Paul out the front door, "Are things better?" She asked the angel hopefully once their husbands were safely outside.
"Things feel better," Monica decided after a moment and with a tired smile, "It was probably the most honest I’ve been in some time, with both myself and Andrew."
"Well, I hope he sufficiently reminded you of how much he loves you," She grinned to soften the slightly threatening undertone to her words.
Monica looked away briefly, mostly just to hide the sudden rush of emotion that came over her face at the memory of all he had shown her…all the things that he kept in his heart, "Yes. He said all the right things." When she looked back at her friend, she was smiling and Alex was certain that the first rays of light were finally breaking through, trying to find their way through the storm.
*****
"She’s out like a light," Paul observed quietly as he looked at the angel Andrew held in his arms. Andrew was sitting on the floor and Monica had been nestled in his arms since she had finished eating, but now she was fast asleep.
"She had a rough twenty-four hours," Andrew remarked, gazing down at his wife and brushing the hair away from her face, "Whatever you said to her, Alex, thank you. I feel like I have a starting point again. Though I hate the way she feels about herself, at least I now know for a fact that those feelings are still present."
"Though it pisses me off that they are," Paul remarked with a scowl, "Grady got off too fucking easy if you ask me."
Andrew nodded his head solemnly, though in his heart he knew that anyone who hurt Monica got off too easy, himself included, "I forgot to give her the roses."
"You gave her her smile," Alex remarked warmly, "But the roses are in a vase on her side of the bed. She’ll see them as soon as she wakes up in the morning."
"Aww," Paul grinned, giving his wife a squeeze, "You act so tough but in all honesty, you’re an old softie inside."
"Watch it with the ‘old’ word, bub," She replied, elbowing him in the ribs, "Or you’ll see how tough I can be."
Paul caught the mischievous glint in her eyes and wondered how obvious it would be to carry her back to bed right now. Actually, he wasn’t sure if he gave a shit if Andrew figured it out.
The angel seemed to sense the undercurrent and carefully started positioning Monica so he could pick her up and take her to bed, "I think it’s time to call it a night," He remarked, moving so he was kneeling and then lifting the sleeping angel effortlessly into his arms. Standing up, he smiled as she murmured something unintelligible, "Good night you two," He added and then shot Alex a wink, "And try to keep things down."
Alex’s lips twitched as she watched him walk out of the room, "He is such a shithead," She quietly exclaimed, giving her husband a playful punch when he roared with laughter.
As Andrew carefully laid his wife down on the bed, she opened her eyes sleepily and gazed up at him, "Andrew?"
"Shh. Everything’s fine, angel. Why don’t you get changed and you can go right back to sleep." He handed her a nightgown and waited while she changed slowly, obviously feeling too tired to bother being in any way shy, which was still at times her custom. He longed to hold her close and make love to her, showing her exactly just how much he loved her, but he knew she was exhausted and he wasn’t even sure if her current feelings would have allowed it anyway.
Stripping down to his boxers, he followed her into bed, smiling contentedly when she immediately curled into his arms, one leg wrapping around his own. Moving his head, he kissed her gently and felt her snuggle closer, "You’re feeling a little better," He observed softly.
She gave a little nod accompanied by a sleepy smile, "I like being here at the farm. I like being here with you and knowing you don’t have to go anywhere."
"Nope, I don’t have any place to be other than with you, angel. Tomorrow we can do whatever you’d like. Anything at all." He stroked her hair, thinking she had nearly fallen back to sleep, but then she looked up at him with a hint of mischief in her dark eyes.
"I think what I’d really like to do we won’t be able to do."
He looked puzzled, though a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, "And what might that be, baby?"
"Go back to where we were tonight and have another picnic."
Andrew chuckled and hugged her tightly, "You mean the picnic where we didn’t have all that much to eat?"
"Mmm hmm," She laid her head back against his chest once more, "Though I recall being perfectly sated."
Another laugh rumbled deep in his chest, "Yes and as I recall, you instigated that one, not that I minded."
"Course you didn’t mind," Monica retorted, with a tiny giggle, "I seem to recall you being rather enthusiastic about it."
He smiled and reached down to her chin to tilt her head up, "I always am when it comes to loving you, angel," He told her quietly, watching the soft sparkle that filled her eyes.
Laying her head down once more, she ran her hand idly over his strong chest, enjoying the feel of him, the safety of him. She was so exhausted, but the love she felt coming from his gaze and his heart warmed her pleasantly, "I love you so much," She murmured, feeling his hand stroking her back, making her eyelids heavy.
"I love you completely, angel," Andrew whispered, and a moment later, he heard her even breathing. Even if a picnic was out of the question, he would find a way to make the weekend special for her. He wanted to constantly remind her of how much he loved her, and how deserving she was of that love, before they returned to city and her existence threatened to become difficult once again
*****
Paul closed the bedroom door and smiled as Alex’s hands snaked around his waist. He turned in her arms and leaned down to kiss her. Her lips parted automatically as the kiss climbed to another level, but there was something about it that made him ease off. He slowly ended the kiss and pulled back to look into Alex’s face.
"It’s been a very emotional day," he said gently. "If you want to forego our little tradition, I won’t mind at all." That tradition dated back to just after their engagement. No matter how late they arrived, our how long they were planning to stay; they always spent the first night making love. It was a sort of homecoming, especially after particularly long and difficult cases.
Alex leaned against him and hugged him tightly as she tried to put her feelings into some semblance of an explanation. "It’s just… I keep thinking about poor Monica… and Andrew too… We brought them here to relax and I pretty much screwed that up by forcing her to dredge up her feelings, and now she’s probably in there having nightmares and we’re in here…" she left the rest of the thought hanging, but Paul knew where she was going.
He kissed her hair and then pulled back a little and tilted his head to catch her gaze. "Sweetheart, I’m not saying this to try and convince you to do something you aren’t in the mood for, but I think I can say with complete certainty that they wouldn’t mind."
"I know… I know. Hell, Andrew practically ordered us to…"
"But you just don’t feel right about it." Paul kissed her lightly on the lips. "Like I said, sweetheart, it’s been a very long week. I don’t think a little extra sleep will do us any harm." He smiled at her and waited until she returned it before he wrapped his arms around her and gave her another hug.
"You’re sure?"
"Positive. Now hurry up and get changed. I want to say goodnight to the baby before he goes to sleep."
Alex laughed as she started to undress. "So now it’s a boy?"
"Yes. Today, he feels like a him," he replied smugly as he quickly stripped off his clothes and pulled down the bed covers.
"Wouldn’t you like to know for sure?" she wheedled. She slipped on one of her favorite nightgowns and snuggled into bed next to him.
"Nah… tomorrow he might feel like a girl." His large hand reached down to rub her belly, and Alex giggled helplessly. And he called her the old softie. There was definitely another Gatlin deserving of that title.
*****
The wind howled around the farmhouse and Paul was certain that was what had woken him. However, a slender hand tracing down his chest let him know the truth. He turned his head as her fingers circled one nipple, plucking at it and bringing a growl to the back of his throat.
"Alex?"
"What can I say? I changed my mind." Her eyes were shining and the pale skin of her shoulder shone in the pale moonlight and revealed that she had already slipped out of her gown.
"Well," he inched closer and reached out to stroke her soft skin. "Who am I to stand in the way of a woman’s prerogative?"
Less than a heartbeat later their mouths were meeting hungrily and Paul’s hands rushed to touch every inch of her body. Alex, on the other hand, was more interested in concentrating on one particular body part. She had her long fingers wrapped around him and was slowly working him into a frenzy. She was very good at it and it didn’t take long before Paul knew if he didn’t take action things were going to be over much sooner than he wanted them to be. Still kissing her, he grabbed both her wrists in one hand. When she gave a little squeak of protest he kissed her lightly on the nose and smiled as he brought them over her head and curled her fingers around the slatted headboard.
"Now, no letting go," he whispered huskily. "Remember, I’m a federal agent. Strict penalties for disobedience."
Alex’s sexy smile grew even wider as she tightened her grip. "I think I’m ready for you, agent," her sultry voice was accompanied by a wink, but a second later both eyes were wide open.
Paul dipped his fingers into her hot center and easily thrust two fingers inside, curling them to hit the spot that drove her mad. "Yes, I think you’re just about ready," he said with a smirk, "but we can’t be too sure, now can we?"
He kissed his way down her body, spending extra time at each breast. Already they had begun to grow fuller and were ten times more sensitive. He took each nipple into his mouth in turn, flicking them with his tongue and all the while kneading the other with his hand. She was arching her back and begging him to continue by the time he finally granted her request and moved lower. Her stomach he kissed almost reverently, fanning his hands out to cover the small bulge and then looking up to Alex’s face and smiling like the proud father he was soon going to become. She was tossing her head back and forth, her knuckles white around the bed-slats, and he grinned against her hip as he moved lower still.
"Yes… please, Paul… Please…" she murmured as she felt his hot breath against her most sensitive flesh.
He had planned to make her really beg, but seeing her arousal, glistening in the low light, made him instantly and painfully hard. Again he pushed two fingers into her, drawing a muffled cry from her lips and then he lapped around the sensitive little nub before sucking it gently between his lips. Her hips started moving frantically and he knew she was practically there. A few more sharp thrusts from his hand and a flutter of tongue against her and she was gone, her juices spilling over his hand, and his name pouring from her mouth.
He barely gave her time to recover before pressing the length of himself into her and moving so that he could look down into her face. "I love you, baby. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much."
The look in her eyes told him that she had at least some idea, and then she was urging him to move within her. He needed no coaxing, and before long he was driving into her deeply, meeting every upward thrust of her hips. He felt himself getting closer and closer and reached between them to rub gently against her still over sensitized nub. She was almost surprised when she found herself rushing towards completion once again, and Paul caught her cry with his kiss as he emptied himself into her, feeling her arms wrap tightly around his neck.
He was still breathing heavily, minutes later, when he slipped from her and let himself roll to the side, pulling her with him to lie pillowed on his chest.
"Worth waking up for?" she asked slyly.
"Yes," he replied vehemently, "but don’t think I didn’t notice that you let go." He reached down and pulled one of her hands to his lips and kissed it. "Lucky for you it’ll take me a little while to think of a suitable punishment," he grinned.
A smug smile etched itself across her features as she closed her eyes. "I was counting on that. Looking forward to it."
